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Teenagers and Sex (3)

My past two posts have looked at the subject of Teenagers and Sex from the broad perspectives of Context and Sexuality. In this third post on the subject, I will try to deal with a few difficult questions that can be grouped loosely together under the theme of Growing Up.

It is a given for many that adolescence is a time for experimentation, when the parental rules that have governed childhood are either owned or set aside as the teenager develops the personal moral framework that will shape their adult life and guide their decision-making. This is part of the natural process of growing up, part of the journey from childhood to becoming an independent and responsible adult, and it involves a good deal of experimentation. Not surprisingly, this pattern of experimentation extends into the realm of relationships and sex.

At the same time as coming to terms with the changes initiated by puberty, whilst trying to understand the changes in their emotions and feelings, teenagers are trying to figure out a framework for the expression of their developing sexuality. Ultimately, they are trying to determine where they will draw the line about what is acceptable in terms of sex and sexuality – the kind of relationships they will pursue; what kind of conduct they find acceptable for themselves and for others; the kinds of sexual activities in which they will engage and which they will avoid. Their decisions will be influenced to varying degrees by their friends, their family, the communities to which they belong, and the beliefs they hold or are exploring. Some teenagers will play it safe in terms of their sexual experimentation; others will be much more adventurous.

As if the above were not complicated enough, there are other factors at play too! Young people develop at different rates. For most, puberty starts between the ages of 9 and 13 and lasts several years. The age at which puberty arrives can have a large effect on a young person, causing early-developers to feel they have outgrown their peers and late-developers to feel like a child in a group of adults. Differences in developmental age within peer groups influence relationships and sexual exploration, lending kudos within the group to some for their “exploits” and sometimes creating feelings of desperation in others that their biology leads them to being viewed as inexperienced or childlike.

The legal age of consent for sex varies both between and within countries, as do statistics relating to teenage sexual activity. I have seen figures ranging from a third to a half of school-age teenagers claiming to have had sex, and up to 70% for the proportion of school-age teenagers who have experienced some form of sexual activity. There is no ideal age for losing one’s virginity, the average age for which ranges from about 15 (USA) to 17 (Ireland). Attitudes to losing one’s virginity include regarding it as a rite of passage; as an enjoyable experience to be actively sought; as something to be delayed as long as possible; and as an experience to be properly reserved for marriage. Some teenagers take a vow to preserve their virginity until marriage, but it has been suggested that the impact of such vows on sexual experimentation are limited as some young people taking such vows regard them as applying only to full sexual intercourse whilst any other form of sexual activity remains open to exploration.

A further aspect that should be noted is the possible psychological impact for teenagers of engaging in sexual activity. For some, it will be an enjoyable and positive experience, boosting their confidence and laying a sound basis for future relationships. For some, however, it can be a painful or frightening experience for which they were not genuinely ready, yielding a loss of self-confidence and possibly having a long-lasting impact on future adult relationships and sexual encounters.

Advice for parents

Refuse to foster guilt or fear. A cursory glance at websites offering advice about teenagers and sex reveals how easy it is to adopt the approach of fostering guilt or fear. Some sites give the impression that the possibility of pregnancy or of contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) is pretty much all there is to say about the subject of teenagers and sex. I recognise the importance of teenagers understanding that there can be unwanted consequences from unprotected sex, but I cannot agree that this even begins to approach all that could helpfully be said on the subject. Parents will, of course, want their teenager to be well educated about the dangers and about steps that can be taken to minimise them. However, many parents will agree that if teenagers are given a picture of sex that does not extend beyond the dangers, then they will have been sold well short in terms of a balanced, informative and constructive education on the subject. Fostering guilt or fear as a tool to delay sexual experimentation by teenagers may bring a short-term delay in some cases, but ultimately it risks them entering adulthood with a negative, fearful view of sex that can damage future relationships and bring lasting damage to their relationships with those who fed them that distorted view in the first place.

Seek what is best for the teenager. Most parents will agree the importance of teenagers knowing about contraception ahead of the time it is needed. Many will feel able to talk with their teenagers about contraception to ensure they are well informed. However, this is very different from finding contraceptives in your daughter’s handbag or son’s jacket pocket – and very different from the reaction of some parents when this happens! I remember talking with a parent who had recently taken their teenager to university for the first time. They went together to buy food at a supermarket near the campus, only to see their teenager put a packet of condoms into the trolley “just in case”. It took about half an aisle for the initial shock to subside. This teenager knew about contraception and the importance of having it available should it be needed. They were also sufficiently comfortable to make the purchase with their parents present. This was not something for the parents to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but reassurance that their teenager was well prepared to leave home.

Work to eliminate taboo subjects. Most parents find some subjects easier to raise with their teenagers than others. Even where there is initial discomfort, however, wise parents find ways of broaching the trickier topics from time to time so that there are no taboos and the teenagers know that they can come to the parents if they need to talk – whatever the subject. Among the trickier subjects for many will be those of masturbation and pornography, especially if the parent has walked in unexpectedly and found the former in progress or the latter being viewed – or both!

For many teenagers, masturbation is part of the way they explore their developing bodies in a medically safe way. It seems to be an activity that is engaged in by a large proportion of teenagers and adults, but with very few being prepared to talk about it. If parents should walk in on their teenagers who are thus engaged, in addition to learning to knock first, I suggest acknowledging subsequently what was happening. In all probability, the teenager will be as embarrassed about the incident as the parent, and will probably be relieved that the parent was prepared to raise the subject subsequently rather than pretending it never happened. If a parent is able to raise the subject as part of a conversation under more normal circumstances, then some reassurance about the morally-neutral nature of the activity and of its medical safety as a means of exploration might be a good starting point.

Pornography has become far more readily accessible to today’s teenagers than was ever the case with former generations due its easy availability in the digital age. Statistics suggest that a very large majority of teenagers access pornography at some time or another. Wise parents will raise this subject with their teenagers from time to time, perhaps raising such issues as the difference between popular and hard-core pornography, the objectification of people, and the desensitising effect of repeated exposure to pornography. The most important aspect of pornography for teenagers to understand, I believe, is its illusory nature. The sex in pornographic videos is not real sex; it is staged. The biggest danger for most teenagers, therefore, is that they expect their own sexual experiences to reflect what they see in pornographic material, which will lead almost inevitably to disappointment and possibly to them making unreasonable demands on partners.

Both the above topics have the potential to become powerful taboo subjects within families. Taboos prevent communication, which is never a good thing in terms of the parent-teenager relationship. I recognise the discomfort many will experience in raising such subjects, but I believe that if by raising them, teenagers get the message that they can always talk with their parents if they need to, whatever the subject, then a few uncomfortable conversations will come to be seen as having been well worthwhile.

Beware of sending mixed messages. Within several of the areas discussed above, the danger of sending mixed messages is apparent. That is also the case when the subject of sleepovers comes up, especially when older teenagers are requesting that their current partners be permitted to “sleep over”, which everyone knows is often not really about sleeping, but about some level or other of sexual activity. The knee-jerk response of some parents to such requests will be “Not under my roof!” but that is a dangerous response because it is open to several interpretations. It could be taken to mean that the parents believe the proposed activity to be wrong under any circumstances, in which case they should say that calmly and give reasons. However, it could be seen as sending the message that the parents are not comfortable with their teenager having sex and wish to be shielded from such knowledge by it taking place in someone else’s house. The danger, of course, is that it could be interpreted to mean that sex behind the bins at the back of the local supermarket is ok, whatever the dangers of sex in such inauspicious circumstances.

However difficult some parents might find it to confront issues liked those discussed above, when it comes to talking with their teenagers about sexual matters, I would advise that the aim should be for clear communication. Parents will sometimes feel embarrassed about the subject matter, but for the sake of their teenagers, they will push beyond their embarrassment. Stating clearly what they believe and explaining why, even if it takes several conversations for this to be achieved, is important. Even where the teenager will not hear the reasons or heed the advice, the fact that the parents overcame their discomfort and tried to communicate clearly sends a powerful message about the value they place on their teenager and of the importance of sex in human relationships.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Sex education. An article in the Sydney Morning Herald in 2015 made the point that “Teenagers … said they felt let down by school sex education that is too narrowly focused on biology and risk-prevention messages”. There has been a welcome increase of late in discussion of the need to expand the scope of sex education in schools so that it includes more than “the basics” about sex and anchors sex more firmly in the context of human relationships. This is an area that schools have traditionally avoided, but which carries the potential for them to make an enormous contribution to the preparation of young people for life in the modern world. As a first step, I would encourage schools to begin a dialogue with parents with the aim of developing a mutual understanding of the aims and approaches of sex education in school, which is properly understood as complementary to, rather than being in competition with, the role of parents in this area.

Establishing the boundaries of acceptability. Schools have an important role to play in helping teenagers develop an understanding of the boundaries of acceptability. Public displays of affection (PDA) occur in all school communities at some time or other. In part, PDA stems from an inability of teenagers to exercise easy and effective control over their developing hormonal drives. It is also due to the fact that, at the same time as coming to terms with all the changes of adolescence, they need to develop their understanding of what types of behaviour are regarded as acceptable in various branches of human society. School is the workplace for teenagers and part of being educated in a school is learning the behaviour that is considered acceptable for the work environment. The best teachers develop ways of challenging excessive PDA that enable the teenagers to learn the boundaries while not feeling humiliated or victimised in the process.

Being there when it matters. Teachers are sometimes the ones to whom teenagers will turn when they need someone in whom they can confide. Teachers will know that this is an area in which their own self-awareness is of great importance. If a teacher becomes uncomfortable about the level of personal support a student is seeking, or feels that the depth of intimate detail being revealed by a student is inappropriate, they should pass the student to someone else for support. Additionally, teachers should develop their own systems of safe practice to reduce the risk of being accused of behaving unprofessionally, and schools should require such safe practice from their teachers. With all that having been said, however, there are times when teenagers turn to teachers for support or help. Being there for a student when it matters is one of the aspects of teaching that for many gives a level of job satisfaction which those outside the teaching profession will often find it difficult to appreciate fully.

 

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Teenagers and Sex (2)

The first of this series of articles on Teenagers and Sex concentrated on the context for sex, looking at respect, consent, information and safety. The second article will be built around the general theme of sexuality.

Sexuality is a term that is very flexible in scope, seeming almost to mean whatever an individual wants it to mean. Our first task, then, is to define it for the purposes of this article. In terms of a broad-brush description, Wikipedia’s “the way people experience and express themselves sexually” provides a starting point that would be acceptable to many. Writers generally divide human sexuality into a number of areas. Such lists can be long, but for the purposes of this article we shall focus on four areas with specific reference to how they might impact teenagers specifically. We shall look at sensuality, gender/sexual identity, intimacy and relationships, and sexual health.

Puberty, with its many physical, chemical and emotional changes, brings about an increase in sensuality during the teenage years that is both vast and unavoidable. Teenagers become aware that there is a sexual aspect to adult human life, which they want to explore, experience and understand. There are many levels at which the sensual development of teenagers impacts them, including how they view their own body, how they feel about other people, how they experience and manage their desires, which relationships they choose to pursue and how they foster and develop those relationships.

Basically, gender/sexual identity is about whether we identify ourselves as “male, female, both or neither”. For the current generation of teenagers, this aspect of human sexuality has become more prominent than would have been the case for teenagers merely a decade ago. During that short period of time, some societies have undergone a paradigm shift in public opinion regarding the social acceptability of homosexuality, whereas others have seen a hardening of their traditional approach. Teenagers in the digital age are aware of the range and strength of opinion in this area, yet still have to get to grips with the development of their own bodies, feelings and desires. It is not unusual for teenagers to experience a confusion of heterosexual and homosexual feelings, some of which may be temporary, some of which may be permanent, and some of which they may not comprehend until years later.

The third area of human sexuality concerns intimacy and relationships, and includes the closeness, familiarity and acceptance we show both to ourselves and to others. Intimacy can be emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, or a combination of all these things; just as relationships can take the form of platonic friendship, close companionship, or involve sexual activity. Teenagers, building on the experiences of their childhood, and in the context of the development of their sensuality and gender identity, are figuring out for themselves what are appropriate levels of intimacy and levels of friendship. This is no easy task; it may involve an element of experimentation; almost certainly there will be mistakes; and it is part of a lifelong process of learning, development and commitments.

The aspect of sexuality focusing on sexual health is as wide and all-embracing as human sexuality itself. A teenager’s self image; the way they respond to their developing body and sexual feelings; the way they embrace or fight what they perceive to be their gender identity; how they manage their sexual desires; the levels of intimacy they decide it appropriate to pursue; the relationships they attempt to build with others; the precautions they adopt against sexually transmitted infections – all these (and more) combine to determine whether an individual’s sexuality develops in a healthy way and whether or not it remains healthy.

In what follows, I assume the overall aim of parents, teachers and schools to be the creation of a climate that is likely to yield the best opportunity for a healthy development of sexuality in the teenagers with whom they live, engage and work.

Advice for parents

Within the field of human sexuality, there will be for some parents areas about which they feel particularly strongly. We shall touch on some of those areas below with the help of three keywords: honesty, openness and acceptance.

Ultimately, the teenager’s developing sexuality will be a determining factor in the adult they become, which is why it is so important for their sexuality to be genuine for them as an individual. The best means to ensure a genuine outcome is to ensure honesty about the exploration. It is important to be clear here about what is happening as a teenager’s sexuality develops. It is not a case of teenagers exploring a range of possibilities and choosing the one that appeals to them most or which will make them popular with their friends. Rather, discovering their sexuality is about uncovering something that already exists and is developing within them. Teenagers are essentially discovering who they are and parents can play an important role here by reassuring their teenager that they have nothing to fear from an honest exploration of who they are at the core of their being.

I believe parents make a big mistake if they seek to impose their own understanding of sexuality on their children, or if they communicate the message that certain expressions of sexuality are unacceptable from the outset. Parents can best encourage their teenagers to adopt an honest approach to exploring their sexuality by being honest themselves with their teenagers. At a simple level, that means being honest about their own ignorance if teenagers have questions that they (the parents) cannot answer, and then searching for answers, either together with their teenagers or separately and then comparing answers. Where there is a fear that teenagers might discover about themselves things that the parents will find difficult to accept, they should be honest about that too, but with the assurance that if there are outcomes that the parent finds difficult they will work with their teenager to find a way forward. Trying to force a teenager in a certain direction with regard to their sexuality, has the potential to result in a life built on deceit, as the teenager tries to hide who they really are from their parents; or on denial, as the teenager tries to force themselves to become the “ideal” held by their parents whilst they know deep-down that their efforts are determined to fail because that is not who they really are.

Parents can help their teenagers a great deal in this regard if they can offer reassurance of their openness to what the teenager might discover about themselves. Sometimes, parents are fearful that their own reputation might suffer with their friends, or within the wider family or their faith community, if their teenager declares a certain gender identity, for example. Rather than trying to force their teenager to conform for the sake of their own reputation, I would encourage parents to support their teenagers through times of opposition to who they are. I recognise that this is not likely to be an easy course for parents to adopt, but ultimately it is the course I advocate for the sake of the teenager. Of course, for the majority of parents they way their teenager’s sexuality develops will create no such difficulties, but the fact that the parent assured them that they would have stood by their side if difficulties had emerged will have been an enormous confidence boost on their road to adulthood.

What this all boils down to, is that teenagers need to be reassured of their parents’ acceptance. This might come as a surprise to some, but it remains the case that the vast majority of teenagers, although they may not be prepared to admit it face to face, actually want the approval of their parents. Parents are in the process of setting their teenagers free to become autonomous adults, helping them to understand their sexuality by guaranteeing them acceptance is an important element of what it means to parent a teenager in today’s world.

Advice for teachers and schools

The development of student sexuality is one area where it is of paramount importance that teachers and schools offer protection against bullying. Adolescent feelings run deep and lasting damage can be incurred if students find any aspect of their developing sexuality held up to ridicule. Bullying takes many forms: verbal, physical, online, overt, hidden; so teachers have a vital role to play in remaining aware of what is happening within the student community, and students need to know where to turn if they need help.

I would encourage schools, also, to develop curricula that address the many aspects of teenage sexuality. Fear and mockery have their roots in the unknown as individuals and groups try to protect themselves from those they perceive as different or from things they do not understand. Schools are about education, so ensuring the educational programme addresses issues that go to the heart of what it means to be human should be an important priority. Where appropriate, I would suggest schools encourage student involvement in the formation and delivery of such educational programmes.

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Teenagers and Sex (1)

In this article, the first of several under the general heading Teenagers and Sex, I wish to focus on context. I am not talking here about dimming the lights or playing soft music, but rather about the way a teenager’s attitude and approach to sex are shaped by a much broader context. This broader context includes how they perceive and behave towards people generally. It also involves the beliefs of the society, cultures, communities, and family to which they belong. Also influential are the quality and sources of the information they receive about sex, about health issues relating to sexual activity and about their safety and that of others. I believe it is an easy mistake to treat sex as an isolated aspect of life rather than seeing it as part of life as a whole. Both parents and teachers are key participants in helping to shape that broader context for our teenagers with regard to sexual activity.

Beginning in the area of relationships, the first key word for consideration is respect. Respect values oneself and others as people, leading to genuine regard for well-being, wholeness of relationships, and integrity of feelings and personality. With regard to sex, respect is important for the protection it affords against the objectification of others that can lead to them being seen and treated as objects to be used for pleasure or gratification. Respect gives a perspective on sexual activity that understands it as an aspect of relationships between people rather than as an isolated activity.

Respect leads on to the subject of consent, our second key word. The recent rise of the #MeToo movement has led to an increased awareness generally about the importance of consent. Leaving aside for the moment any debate about what constitutes consent, it is important that teenagers understand early-on the importance of the concept of consent with regard to sexual encounters. Those whose general approach to other people is characterised by respect are more likely to appreciate fully the need for consent, and to understand that there is never a place for coercion when it comes to this particular area of life and relationships. The widespread reporting in recent months of non-consensual sexual encounters, sometimes relating to incidents going back decades, should serve as a reminder of the crucial importance of genuine consent when it comes to any form of sexual activity.

A further constituent element of the broader context with regard to sexual activity is that of information. Teenagers are at the stage in life where they experience the development of their sexuality, which provokes exploration and a search for information. They need to understand what is happening to their changing body and how those changes impact on their relationships with others. We live in an age of information. The Internet has given teenagers in many societies around the world easy access to almost unlimited information. Such easy availability of information, however, creates problems of its own. There is no quality control on the information available online and those in search of information are often not in a position to distinguish between high and poor quality information on a particular subject. The possible life-long impact on teenagers of poor choices in the area of sexual activity ought to caution us that this is too serious a subject for it to be left to chance that high quality information might be stumbled across.

The fourth and final key word for the purposes of the present discussion of the broader context for sexual activity is safety. Recent figures of falling numbers of teenage pregnancies has led to some speculation that the current generation of teenagers is having less sex than previous generations. However, nobody really knows the reason for the decline in these numbers, and the speculation about teenagers engaging in less sex sits uneasily alongside the current rise of incidences, in many western societies, of sexually transmitted infections. The importance of protection against such physical risks is known widely amongst teenagers, but frequently ignored. Far more difficult to quantify, however, are the psychological risks than can ensue from sexual activity that has been coerced, entered upon in the heat of the moment, or simply experienced before the teenager was genuinely ready.

Advice for parents

It is probably embarrassment that causes some parents to fear the time their children will reach the stage that the “big talk” about sex becomes unavoidable any longer. Whilst the big talk approach might work for some, I suggest that for many, it may not be the best approach. Investing so much significance in one occasion is likely to heighten any feelings of awkwardness for both parent and child. Many, I believe, would find it more comfortable, and hence probably more effective, to try throughout the pre-teenage years to answer questions honestly and age-appropriately as they arise naturally in conversation and so to impart information in stages as the child develops. The approach will vary from person to person, since we are all different. However it is done, it is important that parents do not duck the responsibility to ensure that information is conveyed in such a way that their children understand, before they reach the teenage years, not just the mechanics but also the place of sex within relationships, how safe sex can be practised and in such a way that consenting sexual partners are affirmed rather than objectified or used. Teenagers are resourceful, and if the information they seek is not made available to them, they will go out and find it. Many parents will feel that their own feelings of awkwardness are a small price to pay to ensure their teenagers are well informed about sexual activity ahead of the time the information is needed. Any list of alternative sources of information is likely to be headed by their friends or, for many, by whichever porn site is most popular amongst their friends at the time. In the area of sex, neither should be regarded as a reliable source.

The parental role in this area is far broader than simply conveying information. Children and teenagers are observant. They notice both the good and the bad aspects of how their parents relate to each other and to those outside the immediate family. None of us is perfect and we all make mistakes, but our teenagers will be aware of the general approach to others that is followed by their parents: whether it is one of respect, whether it uses others for their own ends or whether it regards others generally as worthless. Teenagers do not automatically accept the approaches they see in their parents, but the approaches to life modelled by their parents over the years has a far stronger effect than many of us might find comfortable.

Alongside the behaviour of parents, family values also play an important role with regard to the way teenagers view other people and sexual activity. Family values have often evolved over generations and are frequently bound up with those of a variety of communities with which the parents identify themselves. These could include the close family including former generations, faith communities, ethnic groups as well as a variety of friendship groups. Some of these communities will be more influential in terms of shaping opinion than others, some intentionally so. Whatever the influences that have contributed to the shaping of the family values, there comes a point for (often older) teenagers when they will choose whether to accept or reject those values. A dogmatic approach that such values are not up for debate can prove counter-productive, provoking an outright rejection in some cases. Once again, I believe it is important that teenagers understand not just what the family values are, but why particular values are held to be important. With regard to sex, understanding why certain values are held to be right, especially if backed up by the way they are modelled by their parents, can prove an invaluable foundation to teenagers who are trying to find their way forward in life through a maze of conflicting opinions and approaches.

I believe it is important that parents ensure their teenagers are well equipped in advance of their first sexual encounters with information and life values that will help them make well-informed decisions. Ultimately, teenagers will make decisions for themselves about their sexual partners and practices. If parents can ensure that their teenagers arrive at decision-making points with good quality information and life values that are built around respect for themselves and for others, then they will have provided a good foundation for those decisions. Whilst there will always be debate about sexual activity and its place in the lives of teenagers, there should be no room for doubt that sex without consent is always wrong and that safety is an aspect that should always be considered.

Advice for teachers and schools

Teachers have an important part to play in helping to shape the broader context discussed above. The teenage social world can sometimes be brutal and how sex is viewed and used within it, likewise. The respect shown by teachers to their students, and expected in the classroom from teenagers with regard to their peers, can be an important factor in helping to build a culture of respect. Life does not break down into clearly defined, distinct units. Building a culture of respect within a school community can contribute to the outlook and approach shown by teenagers to others, even in the field of their sexual encounters.

Additionally, where appropriate, whether in conversations or class discussions, teachers have the opportunity to make clear some of the essentials such as consent and safety. Many teenagers have great respect for their teachers and listen to their views. Clear statements about non-negotiable elements can be a powerful factor in shaping the way teenagers approach the subject of sex.

Most schools these days incorporate sex education into their curricula at a variety of levels. There is a tendency to focus more on teaching the mechanics, which perhaps feels safer, and has its own value. However, I would encourage schools not to shy away from discussion of the broader context, which is possible without being prescriptive in approach. Today’s teenagers have grown up in the information age, but that does not mean they are well-informed, and sex is an area where it is important that they are helped to distinguish between high and poor quality information and to weigh which approaches affirm, and which denigrate, others and themselves. Schools can make a valuable contribution in this area and there is room for more creativity in developing sound educational ways for this to happen.

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