Considering Teenage Introverts

Teenagers are often misunderstood, but one group that is misunderstood more than many are teenagers who also happen to be introverts. In an international school where I was principal, we were used to students arriving from other countries and knew to keep an eye out to see they were settling in. Within a couple of weeks of their arrival, it became apparent that one particular student did not seem to be settling – the student rarely said anything in class, seemed to sit alone at lunchtime, could often be found on their own during breaks. A series of teachers and several students expressed concern. On talking with the student, I discovered (and their parents subsequently confirmed) that this was not a case of a homesick student who needed help, but a very introverted individual, who was very self-aware, comfortable with their introversion, and who had worked out how to find space within the busyness of a school day.

It is generally accepted that somewhere between a third and a half of people are introverts, the figure depending on the definition of introversion used. For the purposes of this article, I will assume an energy-focused definition (Susan Cain,  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Penguin, 2012, p.10). Introverts find the experience of being with others generally energy-draining and need time alone to recharge, whereas extroverts gain energy from socialising with others. There is considerable doubt whether anyone can be described as a complete introvert/extrovert, but we are all to be found on a spectrum somewhere between these two extremes, and the end of the spectrum to which we are closest leads to us being described as either introvert or extrovert.

It is important to be clear about the nature of introversion. It is not the same as shyness, which is more about fear of being judged negatively by others. Nor is it snobbery, which believes others to be of less value. It is certainly not an illness that can be cured, nor a failing that can be corrected. It is, rather, part of a person’s character; part of the way they are “wired”. Put simply, introverts value being alone as much as extroverts enjoy being the centre of attention. They are likely to avoid occasions involving many people, and perhaps maintain just a few close friendships rather than being part of bigger friendship circles. That’s just how they are.

The above holds true for people of all ages, and so includes teenagers. With a third to a half of teenagers being introverts, one might expect to find a ready supply of role models of introverts in entertainment, sport, politics, leadership positions in business and industry, etc., but a ready supply of such role models is lacking. There are a few exceptions, of course, but the vast majority of role models are extrovert in nature. The reason for the lack of introvert role models is not that introverts cannot be found in such areas, but that human society on the whole has unthinkingly bought into the idea that the extrovert role model is the model par excellence of what it means to be a successful human being. “Loudest is best”, or at least, loudest is easier to “sell” as the kind of model to which others can aspire. In short, one end of the spectrum has come to be viewed as the norm.

We are familiar with the idea of teenagers struggling to establish their own identity, but what about the effect on an introverted teenager when faced by a plethora of extrovert role models which they know deep-down they can never emulate? We are aware that teenagers live in a highly social environment, where it matters who belongs to the group and who does not, but where does that leave the introverted teenager who craves time alone in order to be able to cope with the social stresses of their daily environment? We accept that teenagers can sometimes be argumentative, rebellious, loud and boisterous, especially in groups, but what about the introverted teenager who does not fit the social stereotypes and who, by their very nature, seem to place themselves outside of the groups of which it seems to be the general expectation that they will want to be a part?

As parents and teachers, we aim to help teenagers find the adult they have the potential to become, but do introverted teenagers get the same opportunities as their extrovert contemporaries, or are they destined to have whatever is left once the extroverts have taken the best?

Advice for parents

Parents are well placed to know the character of their teenager, but they can also become frustrated at what they think they see. So, for example, the extrovert parent who does not understand their introvert teenager’s apparent preference for another quiet night in, rather than attending the party that is the talk of the town, might vent their frustration with a comment such as “It’s not normal!” or “What on earth is wrong with you?” To an introverted teenager, struggling to understand their own choices, such remarks can raise all manner of questions about the possibility of mental illness, questions the parent may not even have considered as they blurted out their instinctive question. Parental attempts to get their introverted teenager to talk might feel like an uphill struggle in the face of sullen defiance, but it could simply be that the teenager cannot find the words to express what they are feeling or know how to explore what the underlying reasons might be.

Acceptance. The most valuable support a parent can give their teenager is acceptance, especially in the case of an introverted teenager who may be struggling to understand why they do not fit comfortably into the social culture of their peers. Acceptance sends the message to the teenager that they are valued for who they are, regardless of the similarities to, or differences from, those around them. Acceptance provides a solid base from which the introverted teenager can explore ways to develop the social aspect of their life in a way that is manageable for them.

Challenge appropriately. Whilst the introverted teenager may crave time alone, they also need to develop the social skills that will enable them to survive, and hopefully thrive, as an adult. The key here for parents is to help their teenager find the right balance between time spent with others and time spent alone to recharge their energy. This may require some negotiation, perhaps agreeing to collect them at a pre-arranged time so that, if they go out, they are not faced with an open-ended social commitment. It may mean helping them to develop strategies to make social occasions more manageable. It may mean allowing them to opt out of some family times in order to find the solitude they need to prepare themselves for the next school day.

Watch for behaviour changes. Introversion is not a form of mental illness, but because the introvert will likely spend more time alone than others, the introversion can sometimes help mask the onset of a problem that needs to be addressed. It is important that parents keep an eye on their teenager’s behaviour, not so they can draw comparisons with other teenagers, but so they can look for changes in behaviour that represent a departure from what might be considered normal for their teenager. If there are concerns, talk with your teenager in the first instance, and if concerns persist, offer to go with them to seek professional advice.

Advice for teachers and schools

Question systems. Schools are busy places and teachers are busy people, so it is easy to overlook the impact on individuals of the way we do things, especially if those individuals are the quieter members of the group who might be less likely to make a fuss if things do not go their way. Schools often use group activities these days, enabling students to develop collaborative and teamwork skills. However, groups are not always the best approach, and even within larger group projects, it should be made known that students can sometimes work individually towards the group’s aims. When it comes to student government or other roles where elections might be held, having students address large groups, or even the entire school community, favours certain students. Technology is such today that students could be given the option of addressing students directly for a couple of minutes or making a video recording of the same length. This is such a simple measure that could level the playing field for some introverted students at a stroke.

Affirm introverted students. A question to the more introverted members of a class from time to time to establish that they are OK can have a lasting effect. Simply bothering to ask conveys the message to that person about their value in your eyes. Taking the opportunity of an informal chat about aspects of school life they find difficult, or asking about the strategies they have developed to make school life manageable, can be valuable for introverted students because it sends the message that you recognise some, at least, of the difficulties they face.

Create quiet spaces. Many introverts need space from others at times, even if only for a few minutes. Deliberately creating small areas for those who wish to be quiet, and helping them to maintain those areas as quiet places, could be a powerful way of helping introverted students manage their school day.

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Promoting Resilience in Teenagers

Have you ever wondered how it can be possible for two people of the same age to face vey similar challenging circumstances, and for one to crumble whilst the other rises to the challenge and emerges from it strengthened for the future? The factor that makes the difference is what we call resilience. Resilience is variously defined, but it boils down to the ability to cope well both during and following challenging circumstances, to adapt in the face of difficulty and to bounce back following setbacks.

An article in the New York Times Magazine in October last year focused on the frightening increase of severe anxiety amongst teenagers in the United States. The article indicates that growing numbers of students lack the resilience to “problem-solve or advocate for themselves effectively”, leading more of them eventually to stop attending school altogether as anxiety overwhelms them. It is not clear whether the major contributor to the increase in anxiety is a decrease in the number of teenagers who are equipped with the resilience to face today’s turbulent world, or whether it is the result of the increased pressures and stress heaped on teenagers by our technologically advanced world. In all likelihood, it is a combination of the two. However, whether it is for confronting everyday difficulties, or facing one of life’s more difficult challenges, like losing a family member, commentators agree that today’s teenagers need to become more resilient.

Commentators also agree that, whilst a variety of personal characteristics may impact resilience, it is not in itself genetic; but is rather a skill that can be learned and built. Lists of what might be considered the building blocks of resilience vary, but most would include: a sense of belonging; self-respect and empathy; social skills; a positive outlook; and the availability and accessibility of supportive adults.

A sense of belonging can be gained from a variety of sources: family, school, peers and the wider community. We all need to know there are people who care about us and to whom we matter, people who will offer encouragement and support when we experience difficulty, and structures to which we can contribute in appropriate ways. Whilst a sense of belonging might be thought of as providing a cocoon within which the individual teenager exists, there needs also to be a sense of self-respect, which enables the teenager to know their own value as a person and have a realistic view of their own capabilities and strengths. Empathy, which allows respect for others and their feelings to develop, helps the teenager look beyond themselves. When this extends to supporting and helping others, there is a positive feedback that strengthens further the teenager’s sense of self-respect.

A teenager’s social skills enable them to make friends, resolve conflicts, maintain healthy relationships and cooperate with others. The ability to keep a positive outlook on life, even in the midst of difficulty, contributes to the ability to regard challenges as opportunities for growth rather than reasons to give up, and also feeds the ability to maintain hope. The availability of supportive adults provides an added level of reassurance that there are those to whom the teenager can turn to ask for help when they feel the need for the additional support of an experienced and trusted adult, who may be a family member, teacher, peer or professional supporter. These basic building blocks, in different combinations for different people, are required to help the teenager build resilience, to the nurturing of which we now turn.

Advice for Parents

Be models of resilience. It is not possible to nag teenagers into becoming resilient, but whatever parents say on the subject is likely to be less effective than the resilience they demonstrate. Teenagers observe how their parents handle life and its problems, and what they see can be a key factor in helping the teenagers develop their own approach. This applies as much to resilience as to any other aspect of life, and it requires parents to look at their own levels of resilience and to seek to address any deficiencies they find. Parents who lack resilience can communicate the message to their children that life’s difficulties are best avoided or given into; whereas parents who have developed their own resilience give the message that life’s challenges are for facing as opportunities for learning, growth and development.

Allow teenagers to face their own challenges. Since resilience is primarily to do with facing difficulties, it is important that parents resist the urge to shield their teenagers from all difficult circumstances. Resilience grows through practice, and children and teenagers need to develop their coping skills and strategies through putting them to use. Teenagers are helped when parents talk through approaches to difficulties, support and encourage them as they face difficulties, help them to keep their difficulties in a proper perspective, compliment them when they win through, and help them to reflect and learn from their experiences subsequently.

Observe how your teenager functions and help them address their weaknesses. Parents need to keep in mind the building blocks outlined earlier and encourage their children and teenagers to develop in areas where they are weaker. This can start before the child becomes a teenager. If, for example, the parent observes a reluctance to become involved with others, or hears from the class teacher that the child seems to be a loner, or sees that their teenager seems unable to maintain friendships beyond a couple of weeks, then a helpful avenue to explore could be that of helping them find ways to strengthen their social skills. When genuine difficulties arise during the teenager years, a supportive network of peers can be a valuable contributing factor to resilience, but such friendship networks need to be built before the crises hit.

Help your teenager develop a positive and realistic outlook on life. A vital element of resilience is the ability to maintain a perspective on life that gives a realistic view of difficulties when they arise. Not all difficulties need to affect the whole of a person’s life. A poor test result, for example, may prompt reflection on how the teenager studied and whether changes might be made to their study routines for the future, but there is no immediate reason for it to impact family holiday plans, sports team participation or a complete revision of one’s university applications. Especially if your teenager is prone to panic in response to a setback, a level-headed parent can be a valuable aid to keeping things in a proper perspective.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

 Observe and encourage. Teachers are in a great position to be able to observe how students cope with difficulty and to offer some encouragement at an appropriate moment. Two categories of student come immediately to mind as those who might benefit from the support of an observant teacher: those who generally seem to lack resilience, and those who ordinarily seem able to manage setbacks but who show an unexplained change in behaviour. For those students in the former category, regular reassuring comments about their ability to cope allied with complimentary remarks of encouragement when they succeed are a great combination. Such comments need not take a great amount of time, but they send the message that someone is interested in them and in their progress. Such comments can have a great impact on a student whose resilience is low. For those in the latter category, a gentle enquiry if everything is okay opens a door for a student to ask for help if they find themselves unexpectedly in a situation where they need it.

Incorporate a resilience programme into the curriculum. An age-appropriate resilience programme embedded in the curriculum not only makes students aware of the importance of resilience and how it can be built, but it also creates natural opportunities for those struggling with their resilience to identify their needs and to ask for help. Such a programme should aim to make students aware of the building blocks for resilience, give practical opportunities for students to try out strategies for strengthening resilience, and give clear information about the kinds of help that might be available and where. Resilience is an important protection and tool for students in today’s world, and a programme focused on its development could be an important contribution to students’ well-being and ability to succeed.

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Teenagers Take Risks

One of the recurring nightmares for parents of teenagers is that their teenager will participate in a genuinely risky activity, will take one risk too many, and that things will go wrong. With activities such as binge drinking, drug experimentation, dangerous driving, illegal activities, risky sexual practices, and unrestricted online encounters all on the list of possible areas for risk-taking, the seriousness of the consequences for some teenagers can easily be imagined.

Compared to those in both younger and older age-groups, adolescents and young adults take more risks. A variety of explanations has been suggested as to why this might be, including teenage hormone levels, the stage of their brain development, the need to explore for personality development, an attempt to break away from parental control, and that it reflects a common response to peer pressure and the desire to be included. None of these have received acceptance as a universal explanation for teenage risk-taking, but they have all received recognition as partial explanations for this widely observed phenomenon. This suggests the reasons for teenage risk-taking may be some form of complex combination of the above, with varying levels of significance attributed to each contributing cause according to the individual teenager and the communities from which they come.

Most commentators agree that risk-taking is a part of what might be termed “normal teenage behaviour”, part of the natural process of growing up. So, despite the understandable desire of some parents to prevent all forms of risk-taking, to do so should be regarded as ill-advised. If the freedom to explore and to try new things is part of the natural growing-up process, as it seems to be, then to obstruct it would be counter-productive to the goal of preparing teenagers for adulthood. On the other hand, if it is possible to moderate the more serious instances of risk-taking, so as to reduce the extreme dangers while still allowing room for experimentation and growth, then that would seem to be the preferred approach. This is the approach I shall pursue through the remainder of this article. 

Advice for Parents

Manage the risk-taking environment for younger teenagers. Finding a “safe” environment within which younger teenagers can experience the thrill of risk-taking is one avenue of approach that parents can explore. Family days out, perhaps taking along a few friends, to managed adventure activities is one way of helping younger teenagers experience the thrill of adventure and risk-taking within an environment where the risk-taking is managed to ensure safety, as far as possible. Roller coasters at theme parks, rope courses through the trees, zip wires, rock climbing, hiking, river rafting… are a few examples of the types of activity that carry the possibility of thrill-seeking for families and friends within a managed environment. Parents should be aware, too, that adventure activities are not the answer for every teenager. Some will gain more by way of thrill from performing drama, music or dance in front of a large audience. Parents will need to choose the activities in consultation with their young teenagers, taking into account the level of adventure and type of risk-taking to which they are suited. By supporting and engaging in such activities, the bond between parents and their teenagers can be strengthened, and the hope is that the thrill experienced in such ways will lessen the likelihood that the teenagers will feel the need to go and seek their thrills in other, unsupervised, environments.

Get to know their friends. Parents should be aware that teenagers are more likely to take risks when with a group of their peers than at other times. Vulnerability to peer pressure seems to peak at around the age of fifteen, so once again, this is a crucial factor of which parents of younger teenagers need to be aware. Making your home available for your teenager’s friends to hang out gives a great opportunity for getting to know their friends. Seeing your own teenager interact with their peer group at close quarters can tell you all manner of things about them and about the nature of the group dynamics in operation within the peer group. Such insights can be invaluable in subsequent private conversations with your teenager. Contrary to popular myth, teenagers are interested in finding out what adults think, and once they trust you, they may well ask about all manner of things. Being in a position to advise your teenager and their friends and to influence them with regard to the type of risks they might consider taking or avoiding is both a privilege and a responsibility.

Engage in straight talk with your teenager about risk-taking, dangers and possible consequences. At times, teenagers choose to go against their parents’ best advice. Parents cannot always prevent this from happening, but they can ensure that any such decisions by their teenager are at least taken from the position of being informed about the risks, dangers and consequences of their choices and actions. Some parents find it difficult to talk with their teenagers about such matters as alcohol and drugs, or unprotected sexual activity, but a few minutes of discomfort whilst engaging in straight talk about such matters is far better than prolonged periods of regret for not having talked through such matters in the aftermath of poor choices having led to serious consequences. An ongoing dialogue throughout the teenage years is the best context for such conversations, within which your teenager knows they can raise whatever issues with you that they wish and that you will always do your best to talk the matter through and give your best advice, even when they don’t like what you are saying. As an article in the New York Times expressed it, “… adolescents who have open lines of communication with their folks and describe their parents as available and understanding are less likely to engage in dangerous behavior”.

Be prepared to support your teenager through the consequences of their choices about risk-taking. Sometimes your teenager will heed your advice; sometimes they will choose otherwise. Whatever their choices, whatever risks they take, and whatever the consequences if things go wrong, parents need to avoid absolving their teenagers of responsibility and to offer support as they work through the consequences of their choices. Teenagers will take risks, they will make mistakes, but the essential thing is that they are helped to learn from those mistakes as they continue their journey towards adulthood.

Teenage risk-taking can be a worrying subject for parents, so perspective is important. As a research study undertaken at the university of Pennsylvania into adolescent risk-taking concludes, “For the vast majority of adolescents … this period of development passes without substance dependence, sexually transmitted infection, pregnancy, homicide, depression, suicide, or death due to car crashes.”

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Promote safety. Schools and teachers carry a responsibility for the safety of their students during the time they are in school or engaged in school-related activities. The spirit in which that responsibility is carried out communicates a great deal to students about a school’s attitude towards them. Safety can descend to the level of a box-ticking exercise. Concern about student safety can become submerged in a mass of procedural minutiae, from which students and teachers long to break free. However, genuine concern for student safety, backed up by clear communication about why procedures are necessary and which include the responsibility of students to look out for each other, can help shape the value students place on their own safety and that of their peers. This can provide a valuable context and framework within which those same teenagers will operate when making their own decisions about the kind of risks they are prepared to countenance.

Promote activities that challenge teenagers. Many schools give students opportunities to participate in the Performing Arts, where they can experience the challenge and excitement of performance before an audience. Many schools also offer group activities around the themes of adventure and service, thereby providing in a controlled manner the kind of thrills teenagers often seek. Teachers who have seen the effects of teenagers being encouraged to perform publically, or being exposed to cultures other their own through participation in international development projects, or who have accompanied expeditions, will readily attest to their value as learning opportunities. Teenagers who have the opportunity to find challenge and thrill through extra-curricular activities and programmes facilitated by schools will often talk, even years later, of the enormous influence for good such opportunities provided them during their teenage years, and about the life-shaping effects they experienced through them.

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Helping Teenagers Argue Effectively

I have little doubt that a number of readers of this blog will feel that today’s teenagers argue too much. However, I wish to put the case for the opposite! So let me begin by clarifying what I am talking about in this article when I refer to the ability to argue. I am not, on this occasion, talking about those times when teenagers make unrealistic demands of us; or when a discussion passes boiling point and ends with the stomp of feet up the stairs and the slamming of a bedroom door; nor about those times when as parents or teachers we pass the point of frustration with what seems like the innate ability of teenagers to question absolutely any instruction, however small and reasonable it might seem to us. Rather, I am talking about the ability to present a point of view in a thoughtful way, whilst showing respect to those who differ in their opinion. I am talking about constructing an argument using a logical thought process, while taking account of the bigger picture that provides the context for whatever is under discussion. I am talking about the ability to listen to those with whom one disagrees, taking on board points that are being made, but nevertheless holding firm to important principles. I am talking about developing negotiation skills and ultimately reaching a level of maturity that understands that arguments are often about clarifying and learning; not necessarily about winning.

The ability to argue effectively is an important skill for teenagers to have with them as they approach adulthood. It is a skill that will make them more marketable to potential employers; it will help them build stable adult relationships; it will help them in situations where they need to be able to listen to, and negotiate with, others. But this is not a case of developing a life skill, all of whose benefits lie at some stage in an uncertain future. In the shorter term, those who have begun to learn the skills of arguing effectively in their early teenage years are better equipped for some aspects of their future education as well as being armed with a powerful weapon to help them resist some of the negative peer pressures with which they might be faced in their later teenage years.

As indicated above, there are a number of aspects to arguing effectively. As with any complex skill, time and practice are essential to its successful development. One of the ways that human beings learn is through their mistakes, and learning to argue effectively is no exception. At times, teenagers will get it wrong: their frustration may take over, they may shout and become disrespectful, but when these things happen, they rely on the significant adults in their lives to help them learn from their mistakes. The important question for parents and teachers, then, is not how we can stop teenagers from arguing, but how we can best help them develop their argumentative tendencies in a way that will equip them for the adult world to which they are headed.

Advice for Parents

Try to keep calm. Parents, of course, can bear the brunt of it when teenagers are going through the learning process, and especially when they are getting it wrong. However, responding with the same type of broken behaviour pattern being portrayed by the teenager is not helpful in moving the situation forward. Responses like shouting over your teenager to stop them shouting, or trying to demonstrate that you can be even more stubborn and unreasonable than them, or becoming aggressive in response to their aggression, only ends up with two people behaving badly. Consequently, the teenager learns nothing about arguing effectively. If necessary, walk away until the temperature has cooled sufficiently for you both to be able to return and address the topic in a more rational way.

Model respect and good argumentation skills. The best way to help your teenager understand the need for respect, even when they disagree with someone’s viewpoint, is to model it in your dealings with them. The parent who takes time to listen to their teenager’s point of view, considers their arguments, asks questions for clarification when they do not understand, values good points made during the course of an argument, remains polite even when provoked, demonstrates empathy for their teenager and their situation, and who explains their decisions both models respect and demonstrates some of the important skills for arguing effectively. The teenager who knows how it feels to be respected is far more likely to respect others, and the teenager who has experienced significant adults in their life arguing effectively is far more likely to seek to develop a similar technique.

Keep the bigger picture of parenting always in mind. It is important for parents to keep in mind the overall goal in parenting a teenager – to help the teenager reach the point where they can enter the adult world successfully. For the parent, winning an argument with their teenager is not the ultimate goal. Sure, it may give a short-term feeling of satisfaction, but especially if the argument has been won through the use of bullying tactics, or by sacrificing truth for expediency, then the overall goal will have been set back. This is not to say the parent should always give in, or should step back from strongly held principles. However, the wise parent will look for opportunities to give ground when the teenager argues effectively, admitting that the teenager has explained a perspective that they (the parent) had not previously understood or appreciated. Through such comments, the teenager “feels” the value of arguing effectively and is more likely to press on with the development of this important life skill.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Differentiate between disrespect and argument. I have occasionally come across a teacher who seems to regard every student attempt to question as a sign of disrespect. Such an approach says more about the insecurity of the teacher than the disposition of the students. I have also come across students who wanted to take every possible opportunity to pick a fight with the teacher, often over unimportant issues. Neither approach facilitates learning. Even in situations where students have done wrong, or where tempers have begun to rise, there are often genuine attempts by students to gain clarification of issues through raising a contrary argument. Teachers who have developed the ability to understand what is happening even in the midst of a simmering situation, and who can answer arguments calmly, clearly and logically, do the most in such situations to foster learning. Teenagers often ask questions by arguing, and they need teachers who can model appropriate ways to disagree and good argumentation skills so that they can learn more about the issue under discussion and also about the good use of argument as a learning tool.

Promote the ability to construct logical argument. Teenage brain development starts at the back of the brain and moves forward. This means that teenage responses are governed more by the amygdala, situated at the back of the brain and triggering strong emotions, than by the pre-frontal cortex, which is at the front, develops later, and governs logical thought. As most of us have observed, teenagers often respond to situations emotionally and need help if they are to develop a considered and logical response.

Various aspects of the academic programmes followed by teenagers in school encourage debate and logical argument. Essay-writing in many subjects also depends on building a good argument. However, students are often told of the need for a well-constructed argument without anyone ever really explaining what that is or how it can be developed. Helping teenagers understand how to develop good argumentation skills and to put them to use in their academic work is an important factor in the development of their logical argumentation skills for life generally. However, teenagers often need help, too, in making the transition from using logical argument as an academic skill to using it more widely, be it within their school community or their family life. By asking the right questions, and by refusing to accept a lower standard of argumentation from students in their discussions generally in school than they would accept in their academic work, teachers have an important role to play in helping their students develop the life skill of being able to argue effectively.

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Teenage Peer Pressure/Influence

When I talk with groups of parents whose children are approaching the teenage years, one concern that is frequently raised is that of peer pressure. Parents are afraid of the peer pressure to which their children may be subject in secondary school, believing it to be an almost irresistible force waiting to prey on their innocent children. Whist not wishing to deny the influential role that peer pressure can play in a teenager’s experience, reality is often very different from that anticipated and feared by parents.

I believe it is helpful to distinguish between peer influence and peer pressure, reserving the latter term to describe the situation where peer influence has become a problem. To varying degrees, people of all ages are subject to influence from their peers. In the case of teenagers, however, and probably due to a combination of factors, peer influence carries a heightened importance, sometimes spilling over into the negative experience of peer pressure.

It is important to understand that peer influence can be positive. The adult tendency to fear that teenage peer influence leads inexorably to undesirable or inadvisable behaviour is, in fact, ill-founded. As Maria de Guzman points out, “… peer influence … can actually motivate youth to study harder in school, volunteer for community and social services, and participate in sports and other productive endeavours. In fact, most teens report that their peers pressure them not to engage in drug use and sexual activity.”

Peer influence impacts across a range of areas from the superficial to the serious. It is most commonly observed in groups of teenagers dressing similarly, listening to similar types of music, or using their own customised vocabulary. Such common phenomena help us see that ultimately peer influence is founded on the desire to feel that one is accepted as a member of a group. However, as de Guzman points out, the similarities referred to above are often the reasons why groups of teenagers come together in the first place. So, whilst it may appear to the external observer that a group of teenagers portrays the effects of peer influence, those similarities may have pre-existed, and contributed to, the formation of the group.

It is difficult to identify precisely the point at which peer influence begins to tip over into peer pressure. One of the markers is the transition from group acceptance on the basis of similarity to pressure to conform. This feeds on the desire for acceptance and may be, at least to some degree, a self-imposed pressure whereby the teenager seeks to conform to what they think is the group expectation even though this may not have been spoken.

At the more serious end of the range from peer influence to peer pressure are the instances feared by parents. Some teenagers engage in riskier activities, make unhealthier decisions, and indulge in more problematic behaviours when they are with others than they ever would alone. In areas such as sexual activity, alcohol, smoking, drugs and illegal activity, some teenagers risk significant damage to themselves and serious long-term consequences. Peer pressure can be a contributing factor in all these areas. Parents, teachers and schools face the question of how they can best prepare teenagers to distinguish between the more benign peer influences, on the one hand, and the more serious aspects of peer pressure that need to be resisted, on the other. Additionally, there is the question of how teenagers can best be equipped to offer that resistance when it is required.

Advice for parents

Model a good understanding of what is important. Many arguments that occur between parents and their teenagers are focused on things that do not ultimately matter a great deal. To see their teenager wearing ripped clothing may irritate, for example, but it pales into insignificance alongside participation in cyberbullying or getting into a car with a peer who has been drinking alcohol. Wise parents will accord age-appropriate liberty with regard to the relatively unimportant matters, but will agree clear boundaries with their teenager regarding the more serious issues. Parents who are able to distinguish clearly between relatively minor and more serious matters, and to justify their distinctions, provide a good model for their teenagers. They also provide a sound basis for the teenagers to use as they come eventually to their own decisions about the relative importance of matters, and especially with regard to those that require resistance of peer pressure. This is even more the case if parents can refrain from “making an issue” out of something unless it belongs to the more serious category.

Work to build your teenager’s self-esteem. Parents should not under-estimate how difficult it can be for a teenager to stand firm in the face of peer pressure, especially in the age of social media. Teenagers with a strong sense of self-esteem have an improved chance of being able to assert their independence in the face of peer pressure when the need arises. Of course, the building of self-esteem will start during childhood, but it is an aspect of parenting that can be undercut as children become teenagers unless a deliberate effort is made to ensure its continuance.

Promote communication. Discussion between parents and teenagers of a wide range of issues can be helpful to the teenager as they seek to develop their own values and opinions. Many teenagers want to know their parents’ views on all manner of matters as it gives them a strong reference point as they seek to work out their own views. Discussion of peer influence and peer pressure can be included, especially if family discussions are a regular occurrence, along with possible strategies for resisting peer pressure where necessary. Especially with younger teenagers, rehearsal of simple strategies for saying “No” can be a valuable exercise. I believe it is important that teenagers learn to justify their views, rather than simply assert them, and to that end, they should understand that “everybody does it” is never an acceptable reason for a decision.

Get to know their friends. Wherever possible, get to know the friends of your teenager, perhaps by encouraging them to use your home as a meeting place. Engaging with your own teenager in private about some aspects of their friends’ beliefs or behaviours is appropriate, but avoid direct criticism of their friends as that is more likely to drive them away from you and towards the friends about whom you may have reservations.

Support your teenager. It is important for your teenager to know that you will always support them, whilst expecting them to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. They need to know that they can come to you with any matter that is causing them concern, that you will listen to them and support them, without absolving them from the responsibility that is properly theirs. Peer pressure can be a powerful influence for sure, but it is not an excuse-all, as ultimately we are each responsible for our decisions and actions.

Advice for teachers and schools

Promote an accurate view of society. One of the reasons peer pressure operates is that many teenagers want to feel they belong, which means for them that if “everybody is doing it”, they want to make sure they are doing it too! Often, however, the behaviour that is perceived by teenagers to be the norm amongst their peers is in actuality the norm only amongst a small minority of their peers. Teenagers often have little or no concept of the bigger picture. For example, statistics indicate that in western societies, around 10% of teenagers are smokers. This means that around 90% are not smokers but, sadly, those who take up smoking “to be like everyone else” and so to appear cool, have no idea that they are leaving the position of the vast majority in order to align with a small minority. A more accurate view of society and a better understanding of statistics may not solve the problem of peer pressure but it could reverse its effect for some.

 Promote positive peer influence. The Red Cross uses peer educators to teach teenagers about safe sex because they have found that teens are more likely to listen to positive messages when they come from those in their own age group (Ref teens.lovetoknow.com). Schools are well placed to promote positive peer influence through similar initiatives and through mentorship programmes between older and younger students. Such schemes have enormous potential for good in the lives of today’s teenagers.

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I want to be like …

Role models are important, not just for children, but for people of all ages. It seems that being able to see some of our own areas of potential lived out by others helps us visualize better what we want to become. Role models give us something to aspire to and to seek to emulate, a target at which we can aim: “I could be like that!”

Many young children will look to their parents as their first role models, perhaps adding an early teacher before turning their attention to their favourite footballer, dancer, singer… At this stage, having a role model is often akin to hero worship, seeing only the good and wanting to imitate them in every respect.

Teenagers have their role models too, but at this stage of their lives, young people are becoming more discerning, learning to differentiate between the aspects of their role model they would like to emulate and those they would not. They will be learning to see that their heroes (including their parents and teachers) have flaws as well as desirable qualities, selecting which aspects to avoid and which to continue to seek to emulate. So, it is not unusual that their role models also become their anti-role models in other respects.

Over the years, I have found teenagers reluctant to accept the idea that others might see them as role models. Younger brothers and sisters often see teenagers as role models, and younger students sometimes see those a few grades above them within a school community as role models too. All too often, this goes unnoticed, which is a shame since being respected by others can be a source of personal affirmation for those whose actions or character has been noticed.

Tips for Parents

Either positively or negatively, being a role model is an aspect of being the parent of a teenager from which there is no escape! They know you better than you think, not just your actions and behaviours, but your motivations too. Teenagers are at the stage of learning to be critical and parents sometimes find teenage critical analysis relentless and the honesty ruthless!

Be honest with your teenager about your own strengths and weaknesses. One of the things that I have heard teenagers denounce most often and most vehemently is hypocrisy, wherever it occurs, but especially if it comes from their parents. Admitting that alongside the things you do well, there are also things you do badly or with which you struggle, and encouraging them to emulate the former rather than the latter, could be an important step in raising the level of honesty in the relationship with your teenager.

You cannot choose your teenager’s role models for them. For many parents, there will be a considerable measure of relief on discovering that their teenager’s role models are people for whom they also hold some admiration. For others, however, there might be fear of the possible outcomes of their teenager seeking to emulate role models of which they disapprove. Fighting your teenager’s choice of role models will often be a fruitless enterprise. However, especially if you have been able to talk honestly with them about yourself, as suggested above, it might be possible to extend the approach to the evaluation of others. Acknowledging that there are some aspects of their role model that you recognise as admirable, whilst there are others about which you have considerable reservations, is more likely to gain a hearing from your teenager than a wholesale dismissal of the person they hold in esteem.

Talk with your teenager about your own role models. Whether it is someone who currently inspires you, or someone you once held in esteem, talking with your teenager about how they are/were helpful to you as a role model could be a helpful step to take. Helping them see how you wanted to emulate an aspect of someone, whose flaws you also recognised at the time, could be a step towards helping them to learn more about the effective use of a role model.

Tips for Teachers

Be a role model. Teachers are in a unique position to be role models for their teenage students of a whole range of aspects. From behaviour in a professional environment, to refusing to discriminate on the grounds of gender or race, to the patience shown towards students who are struggling with a subject in which the teacher is considered an expert – students will see and learn from the example set by a quality teacher in their classroom.

Give feedback. Teachers sometimes become aware of younger students holding older students in esteem for something they have achieved or the way they have behaved. Feeding that back to the older student, quietly and in a way that protects the identity of the younger students, can have an enormous affirmative effect.

Don’t allow banter that demeans an individual for being a role model. One of the ways teenagers sometimes protect themselves is to talk down any recognition of the achievements of others in the class. By refusing to allow such banter in the classroom, the teacher can support those who are already becoming good role models for others, and also be a role model in the way they refuse to allow the loudest voice to dominate their classroom.

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