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Supporting teenagers through school closure in a pandemic

The last few weeks have changed life for many people in a way few could ever have imagined. In one family after another, one or both parents now find themselves working from home, care facilities for younger children have been withdrawn. With the closure of schools, older children and teenagers find themselves without the daily structure school provides.

Until now, the focus has been on the necessity of drastic action to try to suppress the spread of the virus, the provision of finances to support businesses and the readiness, or otherwise, of various national health systems. How long will it now be before other factors come to the fore? Things like, how do you cope with the tensions that can arise within a family when its members are forced to remain under the same roof for 24 hours a day, perhaps for weeks or months? Teenagers, so often renowned for their social activity, are now expected to remain in social isolation. Already, I have seen a variety of schemes and suggestions for parents of younger children about how to keep them entertained at home for extended periods, but nowhere have I seen anything that discusses how to help teenagers and their parents not just survive the pressures, but to come through the pandemic control measures stronger for the experience.

Issues for teenagers working from home

To a very large extent, a teenager’s life revolves around school. It is their place of work, and the nature of their work is the learning that takes place there. Of necessity, school is highly structured: everyone knows where they should be and what they should be doing throughout the school day. Alongside the workload, which can be intense, friendship groups thrive within the school community, providing for many the basis for their social life outside school. Almost without warning, all this has been taken away. With schools closed, teenagers are expected to work from home. The support of their peer group, with whom they are used to spending the bulk of each day, has suddenly been removed.

So, what might be the issues for which parents should look out?

  • Loss of structure. Even if your teenager’s school provides a full distance-learning programme, the structure will likely be considerably less rigid than the structure of daily school attendance, perhaps leaving significant periods for self-directed study.
  • The personal vacuum created by the loss of structure may lead to an inability to focus or to initiate meaningful work. Staring blankly at a computer screen, reading words without taking in their meaning, giving up the attempt to understand at the first hurdle, always finding something that needs doing to avoid the work that should be the focus – these are just some of the forms prevarication might take.
  • Lack of personal organisation and time-management. Of course, some teenagers excel both in their personal organisation and in the way they manage their time. But many do not. For those whose rooms seem to resemble a rubbish tip, and whose ability to store work in some form of retrievable system seems non-existent, working from home could develop rapidly into a nightmare.
  • Concerns about the approaching exam season. It is not unusual for teenagers to feel some apprehension as the summer exam season approaches in the northern hemisphere. For older teenagers, their future direction depends on the outcome of their exams. Preparing for those exams in isolation is very different from preparing as a year group in school, and may increase concerns for some. Added to this, the question in the back of their minds will be whether the exams will actually take place this year and what will happen to their future plans if exams are cancelled.
  • Distorted balance between work, rest and social interaction. Maintaining a healthy balance between these different aspects of life can be tricky for teenagers at the best of times. The sudden change of the parameters within life must be lived could lead to all manner of distortions of a healthy balance.
  • The issues outlined above, along with heightened family tensions arising from forced household isolation and a sense of loneliness arising from the physical absence of the close friends around whom life revolves for so many teenagers, could lead to increased levels of anxiety. The danger will become more acute if the situation is prolonged, as some are suggesting will be necessary, for several months. There may be times when fears for their own personal safety, and that of their family and friends, dominate and anxiety peaks for a while. It will be especially important for parents to look out for signs of increased anxiety or panic and offer a calm response.

How can parents support teenagers?

Many parents will struggle themselves to cope with the changes being imposed on them by the current situation. The normal pattern of going out to work each day, or of meeting other parents within an extended school community, provides a measure of relief from family pressures. For the time being, such opportunities for relief have been removed, and the pressures will increase with each day of family members being isolated within the family home. Within that context, parents need to find ways to try to help their teenagers cope with, and gain from, the experience of isolation. So, what can parents do to offer support? Here are a few suggestions:

  • Expect and anticipate tensions. Tensions will arise, not necessarily in the first week, but probably sooner than we might expect. Everyone in the household is having to adapt at the same time to new circumstances that have been forced upon them, and with restrictions on movement outside the home, tensions will increase and erupt if not faced and addressed. Families that recognise the inevitability of tension, who anticipate where the points of friction will be, and who can work together to negotiate compromises, are more likely to find solutions that will work for the whole family. Honest recognition of the tensions and working hard to resolve them within the family is a strong model that parents can set before their teenagers in the current circumstances, and one that will lay an excellent basis for all manner of aspects in the future lives of their teenagers.
  • Establish a schedule. All members of the family will benefit if an agreed daily schedule can be established from the outset that will give time for the work each family member needs to complete and provide time, also, for other family activities within the home. For those teenagers whose planning skills are not yet sufficiently developed for them to be able to do this unaided, offer to help them draft a personal timetable each week with regard to their school work. This will contribute to the development of a valuable life skill as well as helping to compensate for the loss of structure caused to teenagers by school closure.
  • Give responsibility. Encourage your teenager to take responsibility for the smooth-running of some area of family life, not just taking out the trash. Real responsibility will help your teenager feel they are a valued member of the household, and able to make a valid contribution to its shared life.
  • Be available to listen and talk. Sometimes teenagers do not wish to talk with their parents about their difficulties, fears and hopes; but sometimes they do. Being available, without becoming pushy, so that teenagers can talk when they are ready to do so, is a valuable means of support in times of tension.
  • Give space, even where there is none. There will be times when your teenager simply needs space and permission to be on their own. If your household inhabits a small living space, this will be especially difficult, but recognising when your teenager needs such space and finding ways to create that space could be a hugely important contribution to the diffusion of tension. Helping your teenager to recognise that others within the household have similar needs and making their contribution to allowing others space (from their music for example) is another important aspect of learning to contribute to a strong family life.
  • Family conferencing. The development of a weekly family conference, where difficulties can be expressed and mutually-owned solutions developed, could be an approach that some families might find useful. It is certainly a route to involving the entire family in recognising each other’s difficulties and promoting active participation in family decision-making.
  • Fun helps relieve tension. The global situation of a health pandemic is a serious situation. However, finding ways for the family to have fun together will help relieve some of the tensions, and will help them keep a healthier perspective on the difficulties that have forced them together into household isolation.
  • Understanding the broader perspective. Teenagers sometimes lack the experience to see a broader perspective that extends beyond their own needs, fears and aspirations. Parents have an important role to play here through their own reflection and discussion with their teenagers. For example, understanding that the need for family isolation is as much about protecting others in society by limiting the spread of the virus as it is about protecting themselves and their immediate family, is an important broader perspective. If teenagers can be helped to develop an appreciation of such broader perspectives through this present experience, then parents will have taken an important step towards bringing something positive from a serious situation. Discussion around the subject of reliable sources of information might be a good place to start.

And finally …

Social media – help or hindrance? Social media offers a means by which teenagers can keep in touch with each other during the time of physical isolation from their friends. In terms of school work, it offers a means of peer consultation that is essential to learning. It is also a medium through which teenagers will likely wish to remain informed about what is happening in the world outside their home and, in particular, with regard to the fight against the virus that has caused the pandemic. However, there needs to be a balance so that social media is not allowed to become the sole source for information or the means by which school work is avoided completely. Helping teenagers to develop a sense of control of their social media, rather than allowing it to control them, will be a further valuable way in which parents can support their teenagers through the present crisis.

Supporting teenagers in the face of death. Given the number of deaths projected to result from the pandemic, most of us will know someone who dies as a result of contracting this virus. For our teenagers, this may mean the loss of an elderly relative, of a close family member, or of a friend. For many teenagers, this might be their first experience of being faced by the death of someone they know. In such circumstances, knowing they have permission to grieve in whatever way they find natural and helpful, to be sad at their loss, to mourn the person who has died, to express their grief, anger and sense of loss, is vital. Here, more than in any other area, parents who make themselves available to listen, comfort and talk, will provide an invaluable support to their teenagers at a point of genuine crisis in their lives.

The importance of hope. Human beings need to know there is hope. The pandemic is the most serious global situation that most of our teenagers will ever have experienced, but they need to know that it will not last for ever and they need to learn to see such events in perspective. Helping their teenagers to develop a realistic sense of hope in difficult times is yet another way in which parents can offer invaluable support through the present difficulties.

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Promoting Resilience in Teenagers

Have you ever wondered how it can be possible for two people of the same age to face vey similar challenging circumstances, and for one to crumble whilst the other rises to the challenge and emerges from it strengthened for the future? The factor that makes the difference is what we call resilience. Resilience is variously defined, but it boils down to the ability to cope well both during and following challenging circumstances, to adapt in the face of difficulty and to bounce back following setbacks.

An article in the New York Times Magazine in October last year focused on the frightening increase of severe anxiety amongst teenagers in the United States. The article indicates that growing numbers of students lack the resilience to “problem-solve or advocate for themselves effectively”, leading more of them eventually to stop attending school altogether as anxiety overwhelms them. It is not clear whether the major contributor to the increase in anxiety is a decrease in the number of teenagers who are equipped with the resilience to face today’s turbulent world, or whether it is the result of the increased pressures and stress heaped on teenagers by our technologically advanced world. In all likelihood, it is a combination of the two. However, whether it is for confronting everyday difficulties, or facing one of life’s more difficult challenges, like losing a family member, commentators agree that today’s teenagers need to become more resilient.

Commentators also agree that, whilst a variety of personal characteristics may impact resilience, it is not in itself genetic; but is rather a skill that can be learned and built. Lists of what might be considered the building blocks of resilience vary, but most would include: a sense of belonging; self-respect and empathy; social skills; a positive outlook; and the availability and accessibility of supportive adults.

A sense of belonging can be gained from a variety of sources: family, school, peers and the wider community. We all need to know there are people who care about us and to whom we matter, people who will offer encouragement and support when we experience difficulty, and structures to which we can contribute in appropriate ways. Whilst a sense of belonging might be thought of as providing a cocoon within which the individual teenager exists, there needs also to be a sense of self-respect, which enables the teenager to know their own value as a person and have a realistic view of their own capabilities and strengths. Empathy, which allows respect for others and their feelings to develop, helps the teenager look beyond themselves. When this extends to supporting and helping others, there is a positive feedback that strengthens further the teenager’s sense of self-respect.

A teenager’s social skills enable them to make friends, resolve conflicts, maintain healthy relationships and cooperate with others. The ability to keep a positive outlook on life, even in the midst of difficulty, contributes to the ability to regard challenges as opportunities for growth rather than reasons to give up, and also feeds the ability to maintain hope. The availability of supportive adults provides an added level of reassurance that there are those to whom the teenager can turn to ask for help when they feel the need for the additional support of an experienced and trusted adult, who may be a family member, teacher, peer or professional supporter. These basic building blocks, in different combinations for different people, are required to help the teenager build resilience, to the nurturing of which we now turn.

Advice for Parents

Be models of resilience. It is not possible to nag teenagers into becoming resilient, but whatever parents say on the subject is likely to be less effective than the resilience they demonstrate. Teenagers observe how their parents handle life and its problems, and what they see can be a key factor in helping the teenagers develop their own approach. This applies as much to resilience as to any other aspect of life, and it requires parents to look at their own levels of resilience and to seek to address any deficiencies they find. Parents who lack resilience can communicate the message to their children that life’s difficulties are best avoided or given into; whereas parents who have developed their own resilience give the message that life’s challenges are for facing as opportunities for learning, growth and development.

Allow teenagers to face their own challenges. Since resilience is primarily to do with facing difficulties, it is important that parents resist the urge to shield their teenagers from all difficult circumstances. Resilience grows through practice, and children and teenagers need to develop their coping skills and strategies through putting them to use. Teenagers are helped when parents talk through approaches to difficulties, support and encourage them as they face difficulties, help them to keep their difficulties in a proper perspective, compliment them when they win through, and help them to reflect and learn from their experiences subsequently.

Observe how your teenager functions and help them address their weaknesses. Parents need to keep in mind the building blocks outlined earlier and encourage their children and teenagers to develop in areas where they are weaker. This can start before the child becomes a teenager. If, for example, the parent observes a reluctance to become involved with others, or hears from the class teacher that the child seems to be a loner, or sees that their teenager seems unable to maintain friendships beyond a couple of weeks, then a helpful avenue to explore could be that of helping them find ways to strengthen their social skills. When genuine difficulties arise during the teenager years, a supportive network of peers can be a valuable contributing factor to resilience, but such friendship networks need to be built before the crises hit.

Help your teenager develop a positive and realistic outlook on life. A vital element of resilience is the ability to maintain a perspective on life that gives a realistic view of difficulties when they arise. Not all difficulties need to affect the whole of a person’s life. A poor test result, for example, may prompt reflection on how the teenager studied and whether changes might be made to their study routines for the future, but there is no immediate reason for it to impact family holiday plans, sports team participation or a complete revision of one’s university applications. Especially if your teenager is prone to panic in response to a setback, a level-headed parent can be a valuable aid to keeping things in a proper perspective.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

 Observe and encourage. Teachers are in a great position to be able to observe how students cope with difficulty and to offer some encouragement at an appropriate moment. Two categories of student come immediately to mind as those who might benefit from the support of an observant teacher: those who generally seem to lack resilience, and those who ordinarily seem able to manage setbacks but who show an unexplained change in behaviour. For those students in the former category, regular reassuring comments about their ability to cope allied with complimentary remarks of encouragement when they succeed are a great combination. Such comments need not take a great amount of time, but they send the message that someone is interested in them and in their progress. Such comments can have a great impact on a student whose resilience is low. For those in the latter category, a gentle enquiry if everything is okay opens a door for a student to ask for help if they find themselves unexpectedly in a situation where they need it.

Incorporate a resilience programme into the curriculum. An age-appropriate resilience programme embedded in the curriculum not only makes students aware of the importance of resilience and how it can be built, but it also creates natural opportunities for those struggling with their resilience to identify their needs and to ask for help. Such a programme should aim to make students aware of the building blocks for resilience, give practical opportunities for students to try out strategies for strengthening resilience, and give clear information about the kinds of help that might be available and where. Resilience is an important protection and tool for students in today’s world, and a programme focused on its development could be an important contribution to students’ well-being and ability to succeed.

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Helping Teenagers Learn from Failure

“Teenagers are far more fearful of failure by the time they leave school than they were at 14.” This was one of the findings of a survey of 1000 teenagers, conducted just three years ago in the UK. Furthermore, the report goes on to suggest, fear of failure seems to be spread across society, seemingly unaffected by the socio-economic background of the teenagers surveyed.

Fear of failure can, of course, be a crippling experience at any age. It can lead to a lack of openness to new experiences, a restricted vision of life’s possibilities and reduced hope. It can lead to a complete refusal to take on challenges to avoid failing in the attempt, and ultimately to reduced self-confidence and depression. Such consequences would be serious at any stage in life, but for teenagers in the process of forming their life expectations and setting their life goals, its longer-term effects can be severely restrictive indeed and end in chronic life-long under-achievement.

The prevailing culture of contemporary Western society is very much oriented around success and happiness. These are widely sought and almost universally lauded as fundamental elements of a good life experience. In this context, it is not difficult to understand how failure has developed the reputation of something to be avoided. However, success and happiness do not necessarily go together, nor does the presence of one imply the other. Furthermore, neither success nor happiness is guaranteed by the avoidance of failure, the experience and handling of which may actually make their eventual attainment more likely.

A moment’s reflection will confirm that failure is a ubiquitous human experience. It is not the experience of failure in and of itself that is important, but how we respond to failure and learn from it. On one level, there is the learning from failure that enables us to do better next time. But at a deeper level, there can come the development of character, the growth of resilience and the ability truly to be empathetic with others.

Advice for Parents

It is undeniable that parents often find it painful to see their teenagers suffer the experience of failure. The desire to lessen the pain and to give their teenagers a wholly happy experience of life is understandable. However, I believe it is a mistake for parents always to rush in to try to shield their teenagers from the experience of failure. It is important to keep in mind what might be described as the fundamental purpose of parenting teenagers, namely, that of bringing the teenager safely to the point where they can take on the full responsibilities of adulthood. If our teenagers are given the false impression that life will always appear cloaked in happiness and crowned with success, then they are being fed a false picture of reality. Life is not like that. Happiness and success come bundled up with disappointment and failure, and for teenagers to be equipped to navigate a world of mixed experiences, they need to develop characteristics such as resilience and determination. When failure is faced and responded to constructively, such characteristics are allowed to develop.

Park the helicopter. Helicopter parenting leads to young adults who are ill-equipped to face the modern world with its mixed experiences, including failure. Of course, nobody would suggest that teenagers should be set up to fail, but when failure comes along, responsible parents help teenagers to find a way through the experience and to find ways to learn from it, rather than seeking always to protect them from it.

Talk about failure. If discussion of failure and what can be learned from it becomes a normal part of family conversation, the fear of failure will be diminished. If teenagers see that their parents are not afraid of failure, be it their own or that of their children, they are more likely to face their own failures and see them as learning opportunities. Honest discussion of failure when it happens helps set this aspect of our humanity in a healthy perspective.

Help your teenager develop their own understanding of success. Success means different things to different people. One of the reasons failure can become such a fearful ogre is that sometimes we accept other people’s definition of what makes for success even when their definition is inappropriate for us. Help your teenager develop the ability to evaluate their own strengths and weaknesses, to see where they have genuine potential and to set targets that are realistically challenging. If they encounter setbacks or failures on the way, help them pick themselves up and learn from the experience, re-shaping their goals if necessary. Ultimately, the aim of parents is to see teenagers become responsible, well-adjusted adults who thrive. For your teenager to have a clear understanding of what constitutes success for them is another step along the road towards this goal.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Build a culture that rewards effort. Of course, success should be celebrated, but recognition of effort is as important. There is nothing even-handed in the way life distributes abilities, be they academic, sporting, musical or other. Consequently, success comes more easily to some than to others. Those who are not naturally gifted in a certain field, but who make progress through their effort, deserve recognition alongside those who excel. Helping students appreciate the value of effort and determination in bringing about progress will help them understand that success and failure need to be understood differently for different people.

Regard failure as part of the normal learning process. Those who accept failure as part of the process of learning are more likely to make progress than those who regard it as a matter for shame or embarrassment. Teachers, who can help teenagers develop a healthy approach to failure as a means to advancing their learning, give a valuable gift to their students. Learning from failure helps develop resilience, and resilience is regarded increasingly as an indispensable and valuable tool for survival in today’s world.

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