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Supporting teenagers through school closure in a pandemic

The last few weeks have changed life for many people in a way few could ever have imagined. In one family after another, one or both parents now find themselves working from home, care facilities for younger children have been withdrawn. With the closure of schools, older children and teenagers find themselves without the daily structure school provides.

Until now, the focus has been on the necessity of drastic action to try to suppress the spread of the virus, the provision of finances to support businesses and the readiness, or otherwise, of various national health systems. How long will it now be before other factors come to the fore? Things like, how do you cope with the tensions that can arise within a family when its members are forced to remain under the same roof for 24 hours a day, perhaps for weeks or months? Teenagers, so often renowned for their social activity, are now expected to remain in social isolation. Already, I have seen a variety of schemes and suggestions for parents of younger children about how to keep them entertained at home for extended periods, but nowhere have I seen anything that discusses how to help teenagers and their parents not just survive the pressures, but to come through the pandemic control measures stronger for the experience.

Issues for teenagers working from home

To a very large extent, a teenager’s life revolves around school. It is their place of work, and the nature of their work is the learning that takes place there. Of necessity, school is highly structured: everyone knows where they should be and what they should be doing throughout the school day. Alongside the workload, which can be intense, friendship groups thrive within the school community, providing for many the basis for their social life outside school. Almost without warning, all this has been taken away. With schools closed, teenagers are expected to work from home. The support of their peer group, with whom they are used to spending the bulk of each day, has suddenly been removed.

So, what might be the issues for which parents should look out?

  • Loss of structure. Even if your teenager’s school provides a full distance-learning programme, the structure will likely be considerably less rigid than the structure of daily school attendance, perhaps leaving significant periods for self-directed study.
  • The personal vacuum created by the loss of structure may lead to an inability to focus or to initiate meaningful work. Staring blankly at a computer screen, reading words without taking in their meaning, giving up the attempt to understand at the first hurdle, always finding something that needs doing to avoid the work that should be the focus – these are just some of the forms prevarication might take.
  • Lack of personal organisation and time-management. Of course, some teenagers excel both in their personal organisation and in the way they manage their time. But many do not. For those whose rooms seem to resemble a rubbish tip, and whose ability to store work in some form of retrievable system seems non-existent, working from home could develop rapidly into a nightmare.
  • Concerns about the approaching exam season. It is not unusual for teenagers to feel some apprehension as the summer exam season approaches in the northern hemisphere. For older teenagers, their future direction depends on the outcome of their exams. Preparing for those exams in isolation is very different from preparing as a year group in school, and may increase concerns for some. Added to this, the question in the back of their minds will be whether the exams will actually take place this year and what will happen to their future plans if exams are cancelled.
  • Distorted balance between work, rest and social interaction. Maintaining a healthy balance between these different aspects of life can be tricky for teenagers at the best of times. The sudden change of the parameters within life must be lived could lead to all manner of distortions of a healthy balance.
  • The issues outlined above, along with heightened family tensions arising from forced household isolation and a sense of loneliness arising from the physical absence of the close friends around whom life revolves for so many teenagers, could lead to increased levels of anxiety. The danger will become more acute if the situation is prolonged, as some are suggesting will be necessary, for several months. There may be times when fears for their own personal safety, and that of their family and friends, dominate and anxiety peaks for a while. It will be especially important for parents to look out for signs of increased anxiety or panic and offer a calm response.

How can parents support teenagers?

Many parents will struggle themselves to cope with the changes being imposed on them by the current situation. The normal pattern of going out to work each day, or of meeting other parents within an extended school community, provides a measure of relief from family pressures. For the time being, such opportunities for relief have been removed, and the pressures will increase with each day of family members being isolated within the family home. Within that context, parents need to find ways to try to help their teenagers cope with, and gain from, the experience of isolation. So, what can parents do to offer support? Here are a few suggestions:

  • Expect and anticipate tensions. Tensions will arise, not necessarily in the first week, but probably sooner than we might expect. Everyone in the household is having to adapt at the same time to new circumstances that have been forced upon them, and with restrictions on movement outside the home, tensions will increase and erupt if not faced and addressed. Families that recognise the inevitability of tension, who anticipate where the points of friction will be, and who can work together to negotiate compromises, are more likely to find solutions that will work for the whole family. Honest recognition of the tensions and working hard to resolve them within the family is a strong model that parents can set before their teenagers in the current circumstances, and one that will lay an excellent basis for all manner of aspects in the future lives of their teenagers.
  • Establish a schedule. All members of the family will benefit if an agreed daily schedule can be established from the outset that will give time for the work each family member needs to complete and provide time, also, for other family activities within the home. For those teenagers whose planning skills are not yet sufficiently developed for them to be able to do this unaided, offer to help them draft a personal timetable each week with regard to their school work. This will contribute to the development of a valuable life skill as well as helping to compensate for the loss of structure caused to teenagers by school closure.
  • Give responsibility. Encourage your teenager to take responsibility for the smooth-running of some area of family life, not just taking out the trash. Real responsibility will help your teenager feel they are a valued member of the household, and able to make a valid contribution to its shared life.
  • Be available to listen and talk. Sometimes teenagers do not wish to talk with their parents about their difficulties, fears and hopes; but sometimes they do. Being available, without becoming pushy, so that teenagers can talk when they are ready to do so, is a valuable means of support in times of tension.
  • Give space, even where there is none. There will be times when your teenager simply needs space and permission to be on their own. If your household inhabits a small living space, this will be especially difficult, but recognising when your teenager needs such space and finding ways to create that space could be a hugely important contribution to the diffusion of tension. Helping your teenager to recognise that others within the household have similar needs and making their contribution to allowing others space (from their music for example) is another important aspect of learning to contribute to a strong family life.
  • Family conferencing. The development of a weekly family conference, where difficulties can be expressed and mutually-owned solutions developed, could be an approach that some families might find useful. It is certainly a route to involving the entire family in recognising each other’s difficulties and promoting active participation in family decision-making.
  • Fun helps relieve tension. The global situation of a health pandemic is a serious situation. However, finding ways for the family to have fun together will help relieve some of the tensions, and will help them keep a healthier perspective on the difficulties that have forced them together into household isolation.
  • Understanding the broader perspective. Teenagers sometimes lack the experience to see a broader perspective that extends beyond their own needs, fears and aspirations. Parents have an important role to play here through their own reflection and discussion with their teenagers. For example, understanding that the need for family isolation is as much about protecting others in society by limiting the spread of the virus as it is about protecting themselves and their immediate family, is an important broader perspective. If teenagers can be helped to develop an appreciation of such broader perspectives through this present experience, then parents will have taken an important step towards bringing something positive from a serious situation. Discussion around the subject of reliable sources of information might be a good place to start.

And finally …

Social media – help or hindrance? Social media offers a means by which teenagers can keep in touch with each other during the time of physical isolation from their friends. In terms of school work, it offers a means of peer consultation that is essential to learning. It is also a medium through which teenagers will likely wish to remain informed about what is happening in the world outside their home and, in particular, with regard to the fight against the virus that has caused the pandemic. However, there needs to be a balance so that social media is not allowed to become the sole source for information or the means by which school work is avoided completely. Helping teenagers to develop a sense of control of their social media, rather than allowing it to control them, will be a further valuable way in which parents can support their teenagers through the present crisis.

Supporting teenagers in the face of death. Given the number of deaths projected to result from the pandemic, most of us will know someone who dies as a result of contracting this virus. For our teenagers, this may mean the loss of an elderly relative, of a close family member, or of a friend. For many teenagers, this might be their first experience of being faced by the death of someone they know. In such circumstances, knowing they have permission to grieve in whatever way they find natural and helpful, to be sad at their loss, to mourn the person who has died, to express their grief, anger and sense of loss, is vital. Here, more than in any other area, parents who make themselves available to listen, comfort and talk, will provide an invaluable support to their teenagers at a point of genuine crisis in their lives.

The importance of hope. Human beings need to know there is hope. The pandemic is the most serious global situation that most of our teenagers will ever have experienced, but they need to know that it will not last for ever and they need to learn to see such events in perspective. Helping their teenagers to develop a realistic sense of hope in difficult times is yet another way in which parents can offer invaluable support through the present difficulties.

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Teenagers and the new school year

The months of August and September bring the start of a new academic year for schools throughout the northern hemisphere. For some, it will bring the challenge of attending a new school, but even for those returning to the same school, the new school year need not be merely a repetition of the patterns of the past.

The teenage years are a time of bewildering change. Most teenagers, most of the time, cope well with a myriad of changes as they journey from childhood to adulthood. For the most part, the changes are gradual, part of an on-going process of development to which teenagers become accustomed. From time to time, however, there come changes that are of a greater magnitude, that are more comprehensive in nature: starting a new school is a good example of such a change.

Often, attending a new school will coincide with the transition to a higher level of education, introducing students to subjects they may not have studied before. The teachers at the new school will likely have different expectations of their students than was the case previously, and this can mean an increased workload. Getting to know a new group of fellow-students has its attractions, but there will be the unspoken competition between them as a social order is established within the new peer group.

For others, of course, the new school year means a return to the same school. However, many of the challenges referred to above may still be present, even if the environment feels familiar. For some returners, the return to the familiar may bring its own fears, especially in the case of those haunted by past mistakes or failures. The extent to which we allow ourselves to be defined by our past is an issue for all of us, whatever our stage in life, but for teenagers in the process of shaping their adult identity, the overcoming of the negative perceptions of those within a school community as to their character or capabilities can be a task of truly mammoth proportions.

Whatever the situation of the individual teenager, however, there is an undeniable element of opportunity with the annual beginning of a new school year. Difficulties there may be, but a new school year brings the undeniable opportunity of a fresh start. Things can be different; the past can be transcended; it is possible to move on from past mistakes; it is possible for a new school year to turn out to be successful – even when the challenges seem to outweigh the possibilities. The key question is “How?”

Advice for parents

Give attention to the basics. It is surprising how often teenagers ignore the basics of personal care and hygiene, such as ensuring they get enough sleep, eat regularly and healthily, exercise and shower daily. In and of themselves, these things will not ensure a student’s success. However, ignoring such basic lifestyle issues can lead to all manner of subsequent difficulties. Students who fall asleep in class, or who are wilting mid-morning because they skipped breakfast, or who find themselves excluded from group activities due to their body odour, are not in the best condition to perform well in class. Parents have an important role to help their teenagers get the basics right and the beginning of a school year is a good time to revisit such issues.

Be interested. There will be times in the lives of many teenagers when they may not want to talk about how things are going, but it is important nevertheless that parents communicate their interest by asking questions and taking time to listen. Understanding how school is different for today’s teenagers than it was in their parents’ day is important for any meaningful discussion. Important also is the realisation that there is no necessary correlation between the preferences of parents and their children when it comes to academic subjects. At its root, it might appear that the complex world of teenage social relationships is the same as it has ever been, but the social media-dominated environment in which such relationships have to be worked out and experienced today will be alien to those of former generations.

Face fear. If your teenager expresses fears about any aspect of their school life and education, or about their social world and its impact on their schooling, it is important to take what they say seriously. Never dismiss fears out of hand, since it could be devastating to a teenager who has struggled to express their fears to feel they are being ignored. It is always better to face fears squarely rather than avoid them. Wherever possible, encourage your teenager to explore the best way forward with your support. If there are serious issues underlying the fear, encourage your teenager to involve the school, again with whatever support they desire from you.

Talk about targets/goals. The question of goals or targets for the school year is one with which students these days will be familiar since many schools attach importance to student-set targets. Encouraging teenagers to think about their goals and to review progress towards them from time to time is one way parents can participate in the on-going education of their children. It is important, at all times, for the student to be supported as they formulate their own goals. Self-determined goals are far more likely to receive active “buy-in” from your teenager than parental- or teacher-set goals, and so far more likely to contribute to sustainable progress.

Advice for teachers and schools

Keep an eye out for those who might be struggling. It is always important that teachers keep an eye out for students who might be struggling, but especially at the beginning of the school year, and especially if students are new to the school. The simple act of enquiring if everything is OK conveys the message to the student that somebody cares, and this may be all they require to be able to find the strength to address whatever is concerning them. Occasionally, such an enquiry may provide a “relief-valve” for the student to be able to express their concerns before they grow to unmanageable proportions.

Give everyone a fair chance. The vast majority of the teachers with whom I have worked over the years will do all in their power to ensure that every student is given a fair chance. Occasionally, especially if a student joining their class has a reputation, teachers find it more difficult. However, in such cases it is even more important that students feel they are being given that fair chance. An early, honest conversation with the student that acknowledges the reputation but which makes it clear they start in the class with a clean slate may be a helpful way of trying to start the year on the right foot. In the past, when I have seen students rescue a school career following a disastrous episode, the recovery has almost invariably involved an individual teacher who believed in them, even when the student did not believe they deserved a fresh start.

Set a positive tone for the year. Getting the year off to a good start is invaluable for all the students in the class. I would encourage teachers to set high standards for their classes from the outset, to model those standards, and to hold their students to the same standards.

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Teenage Peer Pressure/Influence

When I talk with groups of parents whose children are approaching the teenage years, one concern that is frequently raised is that of peer pressure. Parents are afraid of the peer pressure to which their children may be subject in secondary school, believing it to be an almost irresistible force waiting to prey on their innocent children. Whist not wishing to deny the influential role that peer pressure can play in a teenager’s experience, reality is often very different from that anticipated and feared by parents.

I believe it is helpful to distinguish between peer influence and peer pressure, reserving the latter term to describe the situation where peer influence has become a problem. To varying degrees, people of all ages are subject to influence from their peers. In the case of teenagers, however, and probably due to a combination of factors, peer influence carries a heightened importance, sometimes spilling over into the negative experience of peer pressure.

It is important to understand that peer influence can be positive. The adult tendency to fear that teenage peer influence leads inexorably to undesirable or inadvisable behaviour is, in fact, ill-founded. As Maria de Guzman points out, “… peer influence … can actually motivate youth to study harder in school, volunteer for community and social services, and participate in sports and other productive endeavours. In fact, most teens report that their peers pressure them not to engage in drug use and sexual activity.”

Peer influence impacts across a range of areas from the superficial to the serious. It is most commonly observed in groups of teenagers dressing similarly, listening to similar types of music, or using their own customised vocabulary. Such common phenomena help us see that ultimately peer influence is founded on the desire to feel that one is accepted as a member of a group. However, as de Guzman points out, the similarities referred to above are often the reasons why groups of teenagers come together in the first place. So, whilst it may appear to the external observer that a group of teenagers portrays the effects of peer influence, those similarities may have pre-existed, and contributed to, the formation of the group.

It is difficult to identify precisely the point at which peer influence begins to tip over into peer pressure. One of the markers is the transition from group acceptance on the basis of similarity to pressure to conform. This feeds on the desire for acceptance and may be, at least to some degree, a self-imposed pressure whereby the teenager seeks to conform to what they think is the group expectation even though this may not have been spoken.

At the more serious end of the range from peer influence to peer pressure are the instances feared by parents. Some teenagers engage in riskier activities, make unhealthier decisions, and indulge in more problematic behaviours when they are with others than they ever would alone. In areas such as sexual activity, alcohol, smoking, drugs and illegal activity, some teenagers risk significant damage to themselves and serious long-term consequences. Peer pressure can be a contributing factor in all these areas. Parents, teachers and schools face the question of how they can best prepare teenagers to distinguish between the more benign peer influences, on the one hand, and the more serious aspects of peer pressure that need to be resisted, on the other. Additionally, there is the question of how teenagers can best be equipped to offer that resistance when it is required.

Advice for parents

Model a good understanding of what is important. Many arguments that occur between parents and their teenagers are focused on things that do not ultimately matter a great deal. To see their teenager wearing ripped clothing may irritate, for example, but it pales into insignificance alongside participation in cyberbullying or getting into a car with a peer who has been drinking alcohol. Wise parents will accord age-appropriate liberty with regard to the relatively unimportant matters, but will agree clear boundaries with their teenager regarding the more serious issues. Parents who are able to distinguish clearly between relatively minor and more serious matters, and to justify their distinctions, provide a good model for their teenagers. They also provide a sound basis for the teenagers to use as they come eventually to their own decisions about the relative importance of matters, and especially with regard to those that require resistance of peer pressure. This is even more the case if parents can refrain from “making an issue” out of something unless it belongs to the more serious category.

Work to build your teenager’s self-esteem. Parents should not under-estimate how difficult it can be for a teenager to stand firm in the face of peer pressure, especially in the age of social media. Teenagers with a strong sense of self-esteem have an improved chance of being able to assert their independence in the face of peer pressure when the need arises. Of course, the building of self-esteem will start during childhood, but it is an aspect of parenting that can be undercut as children become teenagers unless a deliberate effort is made to ensure its continuance.

Promote communication. Discussion between parents and teenagers of a wide range of issues can be helpful to the teenager as they seek to develop their own values and opinions. Many teenagers want to know their parents’ views on all manner of matters as it gives them a strong reference point as they seek to work out their own views. Discussion of peer influence and peer pressure can be included, especially if family discussions are a regular occurrence, along with possible strategies for resisting peer pressure where necessary. Especially with younger teenagers, rehearsal of simple strategies for saying “No” can be a valuable exercise. I believe it is important that teenagers learn to justify their views, rather than simply assert them, and to that end, they should understand that “everybody does it” is never an acceptable reason for a decision.

Get to know their friends. Wherever possible, get to know the friends of your teenager, perhaps by encouraging them to use your home as a meeting place. Engaging with your own teenager in private about some aspects of their friends’ beliefs or behaviours is appropriate, but avoid direct criticism of their friends as that is more likely to drive them away from you and towards the friends about whom you may have reservations.

Support your teenager. It is important for your teenager to know that you will always support them, whilst expecting them to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. They need to know that they can come to you with any matter that is causing them concern, that you will listen to them and support them, without absolving them from the responsibility that is properly theirs. Peer pressure can be a powerful influence for sure, but it is not an excuse-all, as ultimately we are each responsible for our decisions and actions.

Advice for teachers and schools

Promote an accurate view of society. One of the reasons peer pressure operates is that many teenagers want to feel they belong, which means for them that if “everybody is doing it”, they want to make sure they are doing it too! Often, however, the behaviour that is perceived by teenagers to be the norm amongst their peers is in actuality the norm only amongst a small minority of their peers. Teenagers often have little or no concept of the bigger picture. For example, statistics indicate that in western societies, around 10% of teenagers are smokers. This means that around 90% are not smokers but, sadly, those who take up smoking “to be like everyone else” and so to appear cool, have no idea that they are leaving the position of the vast majority in order to align with a small minority. A more accurate view of society and a better understanding of statistics may not solve the problem of peer pressure but it could reverse its effect for some.

 Promote positive peer influence. The Red Cross uses peer educators to teach teenagers about safe sex because they have found that teens are more likely to listen to positive messages when they come from those in their own age group (Ref teens.lovetoknow.com). Schools are well placed to promote positive peer influence through similar initiatives and through mentorship programmes between older and younger students. Such schemes have enormous potential for good in the lives of today’s teenagers.

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Teenagers and Sexting

Sexting refers to the electronic sending, receiving or forwarding of sexually explicit messages, photos or videos. For most teenagers, it seems to involve nude or semi-nude photographs.

The more excitable elements of the press would have us believe that sexting is something in which virtually all teenagers are involved, but in reality that is probably far from the truth. Surveys I have seen give varying estimates of the proportion of teenagers likely to be involved in sexting, and these estimates average out to around 20%.

Sexting can come about in a variety of ways. Often it will start out as a private activity between two teenagers who have or want a relationship with each other. In this case, the dangers lie chiefly in what the sexting might lead to, especially if the relationship goes sour or breaks up. The image might have been shared originally with the unspoken assumption that it was intended only for the eyes of the two people in the relationship, but the rupture of the relationship can lead to the image being circulated more widely as revenge. In such a case, it is the electronic nature of the communication that puts the incident on a level that is beyond the experience of former generations. Whereas previously, a grainy photograph might have been shown around amongst a group of friends by a jilted lover in an attempt to embarrass the other person, now the image can be made available to literally thousands of viewers in seconds, especially if the image is uploaded to a social media site.

For some, sexting comes about as a result of peer pressure. The teenager is led to believe that “everybody’s doing it” and that the route to popularity is through participation. Sadly, for a number, this is not the case, and the images become the tools to be used by unscrupulous peers in cyberbullying. For others still, sexting may be the result of coercion, perhaps from someone they have met online, who has gained their confidence and persuaded them to upload images.

The legal status of sexting depends primarily on the age of the person in the image. If they are under 18, the transmission of electronic nude images (even of oneself) is likely to be regarded in law as the distribution of child pornography. In most countries this is a very serious offence that could lead to a jail term and to having one’s name recorded on a register of sex offenders.

Having compromising pictures in circulation amongst one’s peers can be a devastating experience for a teenager. The humiliation and embarrassment of the image being circulated in one’s peer community may, of course, be short-lived. For some, however, it can lead to years of ridicule, social exclusion and loss of self-confidence. It has certainly led to some having to move and change school in an attempt to escape the fallout. In the longer-term, the virtual permanence of items on the Internet brings potential consequences that seem to elude many teenagers, but it means there is always a risk of potential universities and employers uncovering the material and in some areas that could prove fatal to a promising career.

Advice for parents

If you can help your teenager develop a strong sense of their own worth as an individual, that may help them find the strength to resist peer pressure to send images of themselves should they experience it. Similarly, a strong sense of the worth of others will provide a firm base for the way they are prepared to deal with any material that might come to them from others.

Talk honestly about sexting with your teenager. As so often seems to be the case, meaningful conversations about this issue are best conducted outside of the charged atmosphere of personal involvement in an incident. Wise parents will find opportunities to talk occasionally with their teenagers about the subject, making clear the possible consequences, such as are discussed above, that could follow from their involvement in sexting . Additionally, advise them never to send images of themselves that they wouldn’t be happy to show their granny (or whoever happens to be their favourite relative).

Your teenager receives unsolicited images of others. Given the nature of social media apps, it is quite possible that your teenager could receive images of others that they have not solicited: perhaps the material has been circulated to all members of a group of which they happen to be a member, for example. Getting them to consider how they might want a friend to act if that friend were to receive a compromising image of them might represent a way to helping them find a solution. I believe also that one of the hard lines of which teenagers should be made aware is that if they receive such material, they ought never to forward it to others.

Your teenager has already forwarded images of others before talking with you about it. Without becoming overly critical, I believe it is possible to express disappointment in your teenger’s decision-making in circumstances such as this. Seeking to have them reflect on what their action says about the value of the person in the image may be the start of a way forward. From there, I believe the emphasis should be on helping your teenager find ways to redress the situation as far as that is possible. This may include them approaching those to whom the material was sent to get them to delete it, seeking to get material removed from social media sites if it has been uploaded, involving the school authorities if the others involved are from the same school. So far as possible, I would advise seeking to make the matter a learning opportunity for your teenager, not shielding them from uncomfortable consequences but reassuring them that you are there to support them through the experience.

Your teenager has sent images of themselves to others. Initially, try not to panic, since ultimately such a reaction will likely do more harm than good to your relationship with your teenager. There are two categories of issue here: (i) what to do about trying to limit the damage; (ii) why they sent the images of themselves in the first place. The natural tendency for most of us will be to start with the second point concerning their motivation. However, by working with them firstly on the practical level of trying to limit the damage, we may enable trust to grow in them for the deeper exploration that needs to follow.

(i) Limiting the damage. This might include seeking the deletion of the images by those to whom they were sent; brokering discussion with the person to whom the images were sent and their parents; accompanying your teenager to school authorities or the police, depending on the seriousness of the incident and the ages of those involved.

(ii) Examining the motivation. I suggest that generally it would be a mistake to view the images, even if they are offered. The aim of exploring the motivation of your teenager in sending the images originally should be that of helping them to learn about themselves from what has happened and about how they might handle situations differently in future. Through such discussions, always remember that teenagers make mistakes – it’s part of growing up – and the most important thing is that they learn from their mistakes. There will be times in some families where parents might need to involve a professional to explore the underlying issues with their teenager in order for there to be a beneficial outcome from such discussions.

Advice for teachers

Restrict communication with students to official channels. The main danger for teachers with regard to sexting is that of being drawn into it unwittingly. That could happen easily if the teacher shares their personal contact details with students and is a member alongside students of groups in text apps. Simply having received the material as a member of a group means that the teacher then has on their phone compromising material of one of their students. This could be more than unfortunate for the teacher and their career if a police investigation should ensue. Using only official channels, such as a school email address, for communication with students affords the teacher a level of protection.

Be on the lookout for students who are suffering from misuse of their image. On occasion, a trusted teacher might be approached directly by a student for whom sexting has gone sour. Working with the student to find a way forward, or finding someone who is better placed to help them, will be the way forward here. However, a teacher who keeps an ear to the ground for what is happening amongst their students might well pick up on students who are suffering as a result of their image being abused online. In this case, finding an opportunity to chat quietly with the student outside class, might give the opportunity to a student who is feeling increasingly desperate to be able to unload their concerns and find help.

Have strict limits on student banter in the classroom. I suspect a number of students get drawn into sexting “for a bit of a laugh”. Classroom banter can sometimes carry undertones that could contribute to pressure being brought to bear on individuals to participate in sexting. No one wants to lose the opportunity for a class to laugh together at times, providing individuals are not being targeted and ridiculed, but it would be tragic for a teacher to discover subsequently that the banter in their class had been used to pressure individuals into participating in sexting and that it had become a tool for subsequent cyberbullying. Clear limits that disallow inappropriate banter help provide a safe environment for all students in a class.

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Teenagers and Boundaries

Recent events in the worlds of both entertainment and politics have underlined for many the importance of teenagers learning to construct and observe appropriate boundaries. Our boundaries define who we are, allow us to interact smoothly with those around us, and lay the basis for successful family, professional and social relationships.

Teenagers are sometimes caricatured as seeking to live without boundaries. However, life with no boundaries is anarchy, and whilst it might sometimes look like this from a distance, anarchy is not a fair description of the teenage world. Such descriptions are, rather, examples of the human tendency to dismiss the unfamiliar, to bad-mouth those who are perceived to be different from us.

Teenagers, however, do test and challenge boundaries. This is part of the process of growing towards maturity and working out which boundaries are appropriate for them to adopt as their own. To this end, an understanding of the importance and purposes of boundaries, the reasons given for particular boundaries, and the benefits and responsibilities attached to boundaries are all important.

The importance and purpose of boundaries

Teenagers are apt to see boundaries as control mechanisms by which adults seek to keep them in check. Boundaries are, however, so much more than control mechanisms.

Limitation. It is undeniable that there is an element of limitation within the concept of a boundary. Just as a property boundary delineates the limit of land ownership, so our personal boundaries help define the extent of acceptable behaviour. This is the characteristic of a boundary that a teenager might see as controlling, but that understanding comes from an egocentric interpretation of a concept that is essentially social. Theoretically, we all accept limitations to our personal freedom of expression so that we might all feel comfortable interacting with each other in society. Such boundaries lay the basis for the ways family, professional, social and intimate relationships are all conducted.

Liberation. A further purpose of a boundary is to define an area within which there is liberation. In terms of the analogy of the property boundary introduced above, the boundary of one’s own property defines an area within which there is a considerable degree of freedom for the owner to decide how they will conduct their life. Similarly, the concept of personal boundaries defines an “area” within which the individuals, teenagers included, are at greater liberty to experiment with their lifestyle. Boundaries concerned with the time a teenager returns home in the evening is an example of such a boundary as it accords freedom to explore up until the time boundary is reached.

Protection. The third purpose of a boundary to which I wish to draw attention is that of protection. The property boundary again provides a helpful analogy. One’s own property is the place to which one retreats to find peace and security – it’s the place where you feel safe. Similarly with personal boundaries, they are meant to provide protection, both to us and to others. Boundaries built around the concept of “safe sex” would be an example of a boundary providing a measure of protection to all involved.

The role of parents in helping teenagers develop boundaries

It is important to make clear that in talking of boundaries, I am not talking about the plethora of tiny matters about which many families have their own rules. In talking about the need to develop boundaries, I am talking about major areas such as what defines us as individuals, our relationships with other people, and how we function as members of society.

Agreed boundaries are better than imposed boundaries

Good parents establish boundaries for their children from a very young age, and for the most part, their children accept those boundaries as “the way things are” within their family. Once they reach the teenage years, however, they will begin to question, in some cases if there’s a need for boundaries at all, and in most cases, why these established boundaries cannot be placed somewhere else. It is at this point that boundaries need to have some flexibility. As age and maturity increase, there needs to be a flexibility to create space within which teenagers can examine whether they will adopt the exact same boundaries as their family of origin, or whether they will modify or replace those boundaries. The concept of an agreed boundary, which allows the teenager to have input, and in which there are agreed consequences if the boundary is ignored, is advantageous for all concerned.

The best way of teaching boundaries is to model them

Teenagers can be idealistic in their views. If teenagers perceive their own parents as demanding higher standards from them than they are prepared to live by themselves, the likelihood of them rejecting parental boundaries is increased. Put more positively, the best way for parents to help their teenagers develop good boundaries for themselves is to model those boundaries. Parents, for example, whose personal boundaries ensure they treat others with respect whatever the circumstances convey the importance of such boundaries to their teenagers.

The role of teachers in helping teenagers develop boundaries

Alongside parents, teachers have a key role in helping teenagers develop boundaries.

School is the primary environment for developing a sense of workplace boundaries

School is the daily workplace for most teenagers. The standards and expectations a school sets for its students lay the basis for their understanding of acceptable workplace conduct. The establishment of personal boundaries and respect for those of others are essential areas of learning, such as those that define a person’s “space”. Appropriate boundaries enable us to function most of the time without having actively to ask in every situation questions like how close it is appropriate to stand or sit to another person, or if, when and where it is acceptable for one person to touch another.

Teachers model professional boundaries

Teachers are the primary models for teenagers of professional boundaries since teachers are the professionals with whom most teenagers come into contact on a daily basis. It is not simply the teacher-teenager relationship that is important here. Students see the value teachers place on each other and how they relate to each other. They see how their teachers relate to the school’s secretarial staff and the cleaners. They see how they relate to parents when issues arise that need to be addressed. Teenagers use their observations as they form their understanding of what might be the appropriate boundaries to take with them into the workplace. Much of this is not “taught” in the traditional sense of classroom teaching, but it is communicated nonetheless and it is an important element of how the best teachers help prepare their students for the world of work.

A case study in boundaries: the world of personal mobile devices and social media

The advent of personal mobile devices and the development of social media have demolished many traditional social boundaries. During the past week, CNN reported a survey conducted in the US for Common Sense Media. The survey suggested that 50% of American teenagers feel they are addicted to their mobile devices which, given the human facility for denial, suggests the figure is considerably higher. Personal mobile devices allow the inclusion, or intrusion, of social media into every aspect of the teenager’s life.

The survey did not examine the way teachers use personal mobile devices. However, the 78% of teens who check their phone at least hourly was followed closely by the 69% of parents who do the same! So how can parents and teachers help teenagers establish reasonable boundaries with regard to the use of social media? In next week’s blog, I will aim to discuss that question. In the meantime, if you have an opinion about the above discussion, or about the best way to help teenagers construct appropriate boundaries for use of their personal mobile devices and social media, I invite you to leave a comment on this site.

 

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